No matter

No matter how hard I try not to be cynical, I’m always bound to get cynical.

No matter how hard I try to ignore the issues, I’m always bound to find the solution.

No matter whether or not I intend to get involved, I’m always bound to get involved.

No matter whether or not I wish the day to end, I’m always bound to look for a better tomorrow.

Game changing year - 2012

Sometime back I had sent this note to someone so-very-special who stood for me when I was so-very-lost in life.

"I am still caught in that in-between stage of life where I have just arrived from somewhere or nowhere but I am working towards something better. It seems that every now and then I am shoveling up the pieces of my life and starting from scratch all over again and again. No matter what I do, how hard I try I can't seem to reach dizzy heights of happiness or security or peace whatever. I doubt is this how a normal life is supposed to be?"

But what I have realized today is that everything from the day you are in and out of this world is in-between-stage, where none can precisely define the Start / End of something.

I seem to be quite confident of leading life in my own terms and yet I get to listen people say me that starting from step zero all over again now & risking life :), is it a global phenomena to embrace the change, perhaps b'coz I am flipping the game which I have been playing for zillion years now. Trust me, I have never given a serious negative thought for the self invited change, is it b'coz I started believing this could be a smaller part of the game and I have a bigger part to play for with countless uninvited opportunities..! No matter how complex life seems to get, can we name the destiny? Everything around seems so-unpredictable to anticipate, judge and mitigate, it’s good to go with the flow nevertheless I recommend consistent attempts to improvise the quality of one’s thought process.

Ultimately I am glad, life never been so-very-ordinary for me and thanks to all whomsoever I have met on my journey, you made it all excited :)

PS: Cheers to Mr. B, Mr. V, Mr. H, Ms. S & Mr. A - you know what change meant for me here.

Road to nowhere...!

For a moment I am in the midst of unmanageable chaos and very next I am traveling back in uncertain time frame, the phase of my life when I was left alone by someone/anyone perhaps everyone. I know firsthand that I too must have had good times, but why is that I cling on ONLY to gloomy ones, is that a human tendency - will brain cells be more responsive to tragedies? I fail every now and then, when I try to give a new dimension to my life, I end up finding myself amidst of "Nowhere, to be more precise - an undefinable state of mind" and the craziest of all is I pledge to myself to be the best, best in everything & anything I do & outshine the rest, however I only can see myself at the crossroad, politically right word would be "Nowhere junction", "Back to square one" otherwise :)

In the last 5 years...

I learned to operate 3 critical machines - Scanner, Printer and Xerox.
I learned to use 3 high end software- Microsoft word, Excel, Power point.
I learned to say three very imp words for professional life - Yes sir, Ok sir, I’ll just do that sir.
I learned to wake up early….to sleep late… and continue to work, when I really wanted to quit….
I learned to face Monday…to fight for 5 days…to wait for weekend…
I learned to give reasons to family, friends and relatives for not making phone calls, msgs and mails…

In last 5 years… Ppl say you learned… you earned… you enjoyed…
But when I compare me with myself… I just sustained… I just tolerated… I just survived…
Few bucks that I never required... I never demanded...I never dreamed… I survived… I just survived….

Thanks to whoever wrote this, I really appreciate. I just felt mirror reflection of mine...!

Emotions are tougher to handle than I thought !

My mind is running in different directions with too many worries, too many fears, so many thoughts and very little hope , wondering will I ever make it in this screwed up world, will I ever find peace again, will I be able to survive on my own craziness, perhaps that is what's wrong with me - I am slowly going crazy……!

Wipe away

How good it would be if memories can be erased as effortlessly as we can erase the objects. Today I saw the amazing place ever in my life getting demolished. My individual decision to get into the place to create my own life had put forth numerous challenges on my way and my life revolved around computing, finding my dream, losing self. I wonder if my decision was right? Coz my individual decision-making styles conflicts with the reality. Everything we go through is for our learning, yet I still do not have the slightest idea on how to compensate and make better decisions – brat with unclarity, whatever! its a part of game. However all I realized is the place really holds a very SPECIAL place and RESPECT in my heart – that’s Sandeepani, 863-D, 12th Main, 3rd Block, Near BDA Complex, Koramangla, Bangalore - 560034. Sometimes past just catches up with me whether I want it or not.....!

STOP

Most of us think of New Year to reinforce our aims, achievements, dreams, goals, hopes, plans, accomplishments etc etc etc. I never thought of having a resolution for self coz I always was circled by random situations or spontaneous change in circumstances and the bloody life demands to act accordingly.

Though I try to set the expectations for self and I end up somewhere in my head, a place where specific thoughts are stuck, looping over and over.

Few of those thoughts are the notion of going back to the start or of staying rooted right where you are, waiting. Both concepts are about the same to me. It's unavoidable sometimes to wish to go back to the start of something, when it was fresh and new and hopeful coz when it lay wide open before you and anything was possible and "ANYTHING," whatever it was you were so so sure was good. It's a very similar idea to staying in one place, waiting. There is something to that, to holding on to one time and place because that's the one that defines you in some way.

However I have tried to impede myself from thoughts, new ones and or old ones for quite some time now, yet I must say I am so unsuccessful in doing so coz the more I tried to avoid / run away, I sensed being chased even more.And my resolution is to STOP myself from ever rambling thoughts.

STOP --> Stay calm-Think-Observe-Plan….!

Looking forward for a lot of joy, lot more happiness and even more PEACE. I must be sounding too unrealistic and or too greedy, yet I believe I deserve it :) Hoping to succeed at-least this time…!

For all the people out there, wishing you a year full of happy days…!

When crap bunches up…!

If I could explain how exhausted I feel and how ridiculously paralyzed, I think I would feel a whole lot better. But that's the problem I can't even articulate what I went thro' and going thro’.

I have spent weeks rushing through life. Work is killing me, simply because there is so much going on that and I am caught in an endless swirl of tasks and projects and things I have to be aware of and remember. The thing with this job is that I don’t love it, I really don’t. But the other thing is that I am the critical resource (means the one who can slog to any extent to complete the tasks) and that's purely just to meet the expectations of senior people in the system who offer an immense support, it's awesome and it's also a level of responsibility that carries a lot of stress because I am someone who takes work and responsibility and my obligations to my employer very seriously, so failure is not an option. I'm not very forgiving of mistakes either (my own). So, I am sure I make regular stress that much worse. There is also the fact that I am still newish and still on a learning phase, which I am constantly trying to overtake.

But then like everything else, require time and attention and focus, and Iam generally short on all three. None of the work I have to do is technically difficult or unrealistic. However a lot of it is still feeling like a newbie college kid, because a lot's changed since I got my bachelor degree a million years ago. This is just not my world and I feel like an outsider.

And finally, there is my personal life that slaughters me about as much as anything else. I can't even properly explain this as nothing is actually "wrong." But then last couple of months have felt important in a not-very-clear way (and yeah, lack of clarity doesn't help). I have sensed some things crystallizing in me, and while it feels really really good to know exactly where I stand on some important things, that somehow carry its own uncertainties. At the same time, I have been realizing how some things are really, truly unclear and I am not able nor would it be right to act on any of it. I have also realized that a lot about my personal life is not anyway in my hands and letting go in this way and when I sense I don't have all the control on my own life it basically hurts me. Of course, I get that when the time comes to act and when everything is as unfolded as it's going to get and I may be up against some big, serious affair.

Crap bunches up like this sometimes and the stress is nearly unbearable, yet heart never fails to offer an honest attempt to cope up with miserable life of mine. Somehow I believe being choiceless is a much better option when you are clueless on what to chose, how to act on?

Neither Past, Nor Future…

I just wonder about myself, the way I am today coz I was the person who was so worried about past (things I can not change) and equally scared of the future (things I can not count on), However today I neither think of past nor the future, my thoughts are just occupied with the present, the very moment and the best I can do. Pretty much unsure, if I am heading in the right direction, nonetheless at any rate I find a little peace in my mind.

Soul purpose of my life…CLUELESS

Answerable and Unanswerable Puzzles… Guess so…!

I come across few questions very often, how often as in almost everyday…!
Both outer world and inner world of mine are badly involved in this questionnaire.

• How is life?
• What are your plans for the future?
• Where do you want to see yourself few years down the line?
  

--Life: Zillion thoughts attack me from every corner mercilessly and the very next min my mind gets into thoughtless Zero state. Oscillating between everything and nothing like a pendulum, guess so.

--Future plans: Plans never worked for me and I hardly know the future – So no point in planning, guess so.

--Aims: Reasons to be alive – I hardly know where I am, so I have no clue where I will be in next few years. All I know is every time I make an honest effort to pick up the scattered pieces of my life and start from scratch all over again and again to put them back in place. Dealing business with Life seems to be quite a tough bet, guess so.

Quite simple questions I believe, however I still am guessing. Am I really bothered or least bothered to break these puzzles – may be coz both heart and mind are involved. Guess So.

I knew I was lost, however I face a brand new in me every now and then. Finding myself or losing myself, guess so……….!

Game is tricky and unbounded…

I wished a complete makeover of my own self after a break, analyzing ever rambling thoughts of mine however upshot is I am so uncertain about things which are pretty much certain.

I have become more and more workaholic for no reason, may be to liberate the throbbing thoughts of past as they were too gridlocked or my work demands terrible commitment or is it an individual decision to prove something & to separate self from the rest of the pack. I also wonder why is it that difficult to Forget the past and Embrace the new.

My thoughts are utterly occupied with Work–Supervisors (Technical & Non-Technical)-Meetings-Colleagues-Customers–Appreciations–Escalations-Blame game-Corporate politics-Performance–Injustice. In-touch with reality I know, No job is worth selling your soul coz Its Nothing Personal, It’s Just a Business and I should know where to draw the line, yet I hurt my heart offering it a considerable pain when things refuse to go my way.

Despite no breathing space, there is an eerie silence in my world these days. I find myself switching my Comp even after working more than 13 -14 hrs a day which also involves almost every week-end and music just to fill the background. I am not trying to recapture that time I have lost and I actually am willing to cherish that chapter in my career and move on with no regrets. I know down deep this is the time to make a move & accept uncertainty as a fact of life. But I am ignoring it and I hang on for a number of understandable reasons, may be coz of repeated efforts to solve the problem has failed, I face the tough choice.

Ultimately I have emerged as a laboratory for breaking the obstacles which are absolute limitless evils yet many a times I suspect on my own confidence coz at times my tears speaks a lot with my pillow answering an unspoken query. My hopes gets scattered and I gather all my nothing-to-lose courage to act on destructive whims.

Life is funny is not it? just when you think you have got it all figured it out, just when you finally begin to plan something, get excited about it and feel like the direction you are heading in is safe and on-track, the paths will change, signs will change, the wind blows other way, north is suddenly south, east is west and you are lost again.

Life deals each one of us with a different set of cards and out of all there is no doubt that each one of us believes that we have received the toughest hand of all.

The bottom line is that you cannot mathematically model human nature, but you can certainly model human behavior based on history, because history will repeat itself again and again and I am lost again.....Yes; Game is definitely not over of-course involved with too many game-changing events - unquestionably its a tough bet!

Taking a break…

Happy anniversary to my blog “Finding myself lost”.

My blogging journey started just a year back; it scares me how months fly by so fast yet days seem to be too long. First and foremost, I really thank Mr. A, very good friend of mine who is just not an inspiration but more than an encouragement. Who helped me to discover an unseen writer and a lover of words in me! I really do not have any special skills in writing however I have learnt the art of churning the words out. I basically am an introvert and thought not that I would share my thoughts probably deep one’s with the people of unknown world. Thank you all for your comments and concerns most important the valuable responses to my sporadic emotions coz I never expected that unfamiliar souls will be so sensitive to my feelings. I just need to take a break to revamp certain stuffs - Much needed, I may add. Love you guys! Without you, your opinions – concerns, this BLOG would have obviously ceased to function long ago.

I definitely have benefited from blogging. My IQ has benefited ;) as well as my writing and research skills.

With so many changes in a single lifetime - Tough spot, Painful circumstances, Official dilemma etc etc etc and the gravity of unforeseen things happening around me seems to be not so manageable and my heart is refusing to surrender to circumstances, I see it’s a Total jam. For so many years, my drawer full of same memories had held the same old stories, tired of the days that were all the same. I feel like I'm gonna explode if I take too much more of this and I just need a break.

Break from everything………….!

Break-from-the-wonderful-world-of-nothing- worthwhile-for-a-Renaissance.

After all-& despite all, will be back with a bang. Thumbs up.

Post for self.

Note to self:

Yet I always had fascinated to know the grounds for classic question of how’s and why’s of consequences with all the innocence and I never gave up and has given limitless chances, looked within-deep-to shatter the myth of fate/destiny/kismet and now I am trying to make some sense out of the phrase “Everything-happens-for-a-reason” and I have figured out what the reason is “Nobody has the slightest clue of what’s going on and none has the control over it!”

It's not too late

Ron Atchison wrote many years ago these famous lines;

“It's not too late... the angel said,
Even though the world's a mess,
Even though you're not as young,
Even though you've made mistakes and have been afraid.

It's not too late... And then I saw the world through the angels' eyes...
I saw the colors I could paint,
The bridges I could build,
The lives that I could touch,
The dreams that could still come true,
And it became very clear to me,
That it's not too late...”

Wake Up Your Dreams, Make Up Your Life! That it's not too late...

I took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference

I found these incredible lines when I was flipping the pages of a novel – The Winner Stands Alone by Paulo,


TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there,
Had worn them really about the same

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and
I took the one less traveled by,
and that has made all the difference!

-- Robert Frost (1874–1963)

Yes, I took the road less traveled by and that has made all the difference. I was so confused to take up which one road, thinking will I be able to come back but now I have decided not to look back. Despite the fact that it has made me to put everything down it was really quite interesting ride with countless crisscross curves !

The ever changing cycles of life

In recent times I have come across a topic about women of vision, some random mail!

Vision is defined as; an idea, state of being or concept that one has regarding what she “wants” to do with her life or what she wants her life to be. This same phenomenon has been referred to by others as life goals, dreams, callings or aspirations, to name a few. Your Vision for your life encompasses your mission, purpose, values and your goals.

But being visualized me to be something; I had promised myself and today struggling to keep my dialogue alive even in high stake situations! I am quite confused am I facing silence or violence situations? But the ego loves that equation yet something that saps the positivity in me.

My vision has just sacked all areas of life, and not just one part of life – that lead to imbalance, and creates pressure in every corner of life.

I found myself amidst of nowhere, wandering the clouds for a silver lining, looking for everything which sustains life. I wonder is there anything that’s taking up too much space in my life, how far will I go? Am I stuck in a rut, trapped in the middle of crossfire with no way to win in sight? Am I hurting myself...traveling back in time? Is it a sheer waste of time? I would not say deliberately, but certainly seemed that way ! But I am wondering if enlightenment relies on the honesty formula, Hope can work miracles, assuming always, of-course anything to escape from the world of injustice and long, dreary, repetitive days and as real as it got in my mind I swayed my heart that my pain is affordable. Whatever! I always have embraced my life, yesterday, today, and will do in future un-sugarcoated hard cold realities which are simply facts of life!

Here is an inspirational article “The ever changing cycles of life”

“Within every 24 hours we have bright daylight and dark nights. Dark nights are automatically followed by sun-drenched days and vice versa. We have gotten used to the cycle and never doubt that one will follow the other.

Similarly our life cycle is about phases of success and failure, happiness and sorrow and so on. But the only difference is that we do not know the time frame for our personal cycles; it is not fixed like the 24 hour day and night rotation so we all tend to get dejected during our down cycles. However we must remember that although we may not know exactly when one cycle will end and the next cycle of our lives will begin….we do know it will happen….It is a fixed law of the universe and in this fact we must find solace and wait patiently for the season to change”

By Padmaja Prasad

Thanks to you Padmaja for the title coz I was clue-less whether vision for women and its consequences are name-less yet they are not emotion-less.

And I am blessed to have a handful of people who touched upon my life yesterday, today, everyday, and possibly even in this very minute who helped me to visualize as dreams do come true.

Honest thanks to all sorts of people whom I had befriended along the way coz every single one of you are significant to me as I had always found a heart that has sown hope-seed in me when I was terribly lost Near the Finish Line of the Race of-course its Race for my life.

“Reach the unreachable… where the need for it would be inconceivable” Huff! My sentiments exactly ;)

So many Why’s? – Collecting my rambling thoughts

• Why am I getting bored of life? Is it coz I am not in love with my life?

• Why am I getting uninterested in my job? Is it coz it is not what I wanted to do?

• Why am I getting fed up of challenges? Is it coz of successive obstacles from long time now?

• Why am I not getting along with people? Is it coz I expect a lot (care and attention) from them or is it coz I am unable to fulfill their expectations (No clue what others expect)?

• Why am I feeling so alone? Is it coz I have limited my circles?

• Why am I losing my sprits? Is it coz I don’t see success in anything & everything I try?

• Why am I not enjoying simple things in life? Is it coz I am forced into complex circumstances?

• Why am I failing to rejuvenate my thoughts? Is it coz I have buried unpleasant experiences in my mind?

• Why is that my heart weep in silence? Is it coz it doesn’t have a heart to listen?

• Why am I failing to see bright side of world? Is it coz I have locked myself in the dark corner?

• Why do I not trust anyone? Is it coz I don’t have trust in myself?

• Why am I flowing like a river? Is it coz I have left my thoughts free?

• Why do I over react for simple things? Is it coz my innocence was raped?

• Why am I not finding happiness anywhere? Is it coz I am unhappy from within?

• Why am I feeling so lost? Is it coz I didn’t find myself?

• Why am I still hoping for things to happen? Is it coz I don’t have an option?

• Why am I honestly laying my heart in whatever I do? Is it coz I am getting used to it?

• Why am I not finding answer to any of these questions? Is it coz I am traveling world with big questions?

Thoughts of lost soul…….

Born Into Brothels: Calcutta's Red Light Kids

I've written stuff I never thought of by myself that I would write about other’s life or society or people of the world. Coz I always believe in “Don’t compare your life with others. You have no idea what their journey is all about”.

Yes it is much realistic, American documentary film about the children of prostitutes in Sonagachi, Calcutta’s red light district! Welled up my eyes.

Plot of film goes like this:

Zana Briski, a documentary photographer, went to Calcutta to photograph prostitutes. While there, she befriended their children and offered to teach the children photography to reciprocate being allowed to photograph their Mothers, Nature, Environment, Society, People so on and so forth. The children were given cameras in capturing the so called beautiful world around them. So they could learn photography and possibly improve their lives & Zana was able to give the children a different way to look at life. Much of their work was used in the film, and the filmmakers recorded the classes as well as daily life in the red light district. The children's work was exhibited, and one boy was even sent to a photography conference in Amsterdam.

The excellent element of this documentary which moved me was the life of those prostitutes and the kids, the way they see life in hostile environment and the most was Zana Briski an English artist (photographer, filmmaker) and activist.

Briski also recorded her efforts to place the children in boarding schools apart from name fame and her documentary which is certainly not a part of her job. Being a foreigner she has done great job for our own country kids. She took so much of pain to obtain Citizenship, Ration card, Photo ID, medical certificate to prove they are HIV negative etc etc to obtain an admission for those kids into Boarding school that’s truly incredible. I doubt does our system really care about all these formalities for a kid born to a non-prostitute. Being Indians we (most of us) don’t come forward to take up the responsibility of our neighbors, our people, our friends, our relatives sometimes our own people. Zana really deserves an appreciation from the whole world for her selfless service.

Few things are at a so standstill that they would never change in a country like India even decades down the line. The documentary itself acknowledges that many of those saved from the red light district and put into boarding school ended up leaving the school and returning to their families before long. I agree her efforts all went in vain coz it’s a very hard route to take, not the easy way out. However it’s certainly an essential lesson for us & our system.

It was nominated for so many awards and won most of them the sole reason being we enjoy or get entertained for few hours with distressing stories like,

The 'invisible' half-Almost one in every two children under three years of age is hungry. This is the invisible half of our population, people who disappear from our consciousness until they die in large numbers.

No place for single women- A politician speaking of the National Rural Employment Guarantee Programme. “They don't want widows & turn you away if you are single, without a male partner” when a woman is willing to work as a coolie after her husband commits suicide... The NREGP programme itself was to benefit lakhs of poor families in the State.

Lives which showcase poverty, forced labor, migration, illiteracy & lead few souls to a wrong place coz our (good) thoughts will never reflect our actions to offer a helping hand for those helpless, hopeless and homeless...

Of-course we believe in Protecting Hinduism by Attacking Unarmed Women

We keep revising policies of Govt, Defense, Educational system, NGO’s, Corporate etc etc every freaking thing for the betterment of living. We compete against science and technology in order to gain an identity in the world map, so what are we up to…? What are we fighting for…? What are we trying to achieve…? We so care about our own kids like their education, their career, their success and probably before they are born but why do those kids have to undergo such a tough life..? Is it coz they are not our kids..? Of-course this may be a responsible behavior of an individual but when we look at things in a broader perspective, things do really matters…

Awards won by Born Into Brothels: Calcutta's Red Light Kids:

• 2005 Academy Award for Best Documentary Feature – Zana Briski, Kauffman
• 2004 Bermuda International Film Festival - Audience Choice Award - Briski, Kauffman
• Documentary Prize - Briski, Kauffman
• 2004 Cleveland International Film Festival - Best Film - Briski, Kauffman
• 2004 Full Frame Documentary Film Festival Audience Award - Briski, Kauffman (tied
withWorld Wars)
• 2004 National Board of Review Award for Best Documentary
• 2004 Seattle International Film Festival Golden Space Needle Award - Briski, Kauffman
• 2004 Sundance Film Festival Audience Award - Documentary – Kauffman

The sale of photographs clicked by the kids has risen over $100,000. The documentary has grossed $700,000 in 12 weeks. The money from the film was contributed towards a school for the children of sex workers in Calcutta.

A thought provoking documentary - Born Into Brothels: Calcutta's Red Light Kids

http://www.imdb.com/video/screenplay/vi2965045529/

A deep thought to our society....

What is it going to take... ? To eat life whole...!

It occurred to me this week that this is a mighty powerful question.

• What’s it going to take? We usually use that phrase in dire circumstances.
• What’s it going to take for you to wake up?
• What’s it going to take for me to quit?
• What’s it going to take for them to realize?

But life is an urgent circumstance, really, when you think about it. Birth is miraculous. Survival is miraculous. Death is inevitable. Suffering is well….optional. Life is urgent.

I wonder what my days would be like if I approached my happiness with more urgency and insistence (like I do deadlines and should-do’s). I have GOT to meet my dancing quota! Come hell or high water, I WILL get a facial and lay in the sun!

Most important deadlines: to meander, to laugh until I snort by noon every day, to see the first robin bird of spring before the week is over.

So, in the spirit of urgent vitality, and not knowing when death may strike, and being acutely bored of my same old pattern of complaints, I’m asking myself, lovingly but firmly: LaPorte, what’s it going to take for you to be incredibly joyful?

• What’s it going to take for you to make an evolutionary leap as an artist, lover, mother, friend, human?
• What’s it going to take to get you to walk to the lake that’s four minutes from your house?
• What’s it going to take to get you on the dance floor? You want to eat life whole? To know God? To radiate pure love?
• What’s it going to take?

One of the best article I have read in recent times.
Article was published in "Tickled by Life-are you" By Danielle LaPorte.

Me, my space, my musings, my weird dreams @ Ghati…

Subramanya temple @ Ghati

Lifez turning to be pretty much boring as no thrills, nil adventures or at-least eerie things which used to happen with me every now and then!!! Even it’s so long that I have spent sometime alone, time for myself & space for my musings. I certainly have spent a lot of time in my own head (and I still do!) and had a very overactive imagination (and I used to do!)…

I was on my way to offer space for myself with Subbu (I need to have a destination right!!!), Subbu-Gani’s elder brother i.e., Ghati Subramanya is one of the popular pilgrim centers located near Doddaballapur of Bangalore Rural district @ around 60 to 65 kms from Bangalore, pretty much crowded place and there are KSRTC bus trips to this place as well from Majestic.

After series of enquires @ KGBS I got to know the availability of public transport for next trip. I was the first one to get inside the bus and I see none who were making their trip to Ghati, thought is Subbu working on Sunday’s or is it a weekly off for him…? There is a possibility coz Bangalore u see ;) when we have temple complexes here, Temple complex !! even I was amazed for the first time when I read it on poster, Ganesh temple, 5th block, Koramangala coz u can find Gani’s entire family here!!! however bus was jam-packed in ten mins time ;)

I occupied myself to the window seat, watching bright side of the day, greenery, hills, listening music, wow…My mind so free, so thoughtless, so fearless & I see no straws in the wind which would suggest me that the things gonna/might happen in near future…An elderly aunt was seated next to me, I didn’t talk to her much at all, as she seemed to be pretty much worried… once we reached Ghati @ 1240 hrs I was getting ready to get out of the bus that was the time I put off Ipod!

Aunt: Is it Icon?
Me: Nope, it’s called as Ipod. Even untutored aunts are pretty much aware of electronic gadgets now-a-days.
Aunt: U only can listen to songs right? U can’t record anything!
Me: Yes, audio recording can be but not video recording…
Aunt: U came all alone...!!! I came with my hubby and son.
Me: Yeah. My parents stay in a far away place and I stay here in PG and friends are quite busy. I sensed she belongs to an orthodox family & didn’t tell her that it was my individual decision to spend time alone as there were quite a lot chances of taking me wrong. And I might need to give a lot explanation to her. Not a surprise really, even few of my friends (male & female) were concerned / surprised that I went alone.

I brought myself to a halt @ nearby shop to buy coconuts, flowers, banana and agarbatthi so & so to please Subbu. Shop keeper guided me the way to entrance door of temple. As I got into the temple there was a quite long queue and there I found one more, as in bribed one. Not many temples remain without being commercialized now-a-days. If I pay Rs.10/- they would let me in directly, that was my assumption & a board on entrance door read as “ಪುಷ್ಯ ಶುದ್ಧ ಷಷ್ಠಿ ರಥ ಮಹೋಸ್ತವ ವಿಶೇಷ ದರ್ಶನ…” anyways left with no other choice, I got into beeline with queue of 200 ahead of me and another 100 following me unlike to ant’s line of 0.7 to 0.9k.

Later when I met Subbu, all the difference I learnt between ordinary line and bribed one was, you are allowed to see Subbu @ 30 foot distance and 10 foot distance respectively।

I almost forgot (How bad of me) I met Rohit while slogging in the queue. Rohit: so cute, so single and ready to mingle and was flirting with so many gals of-course my new boy friend ;) with whom I have spent rest of my journey.

I met two more souls who were so concerned about me (as a lonely gal), Mr. & Mrs. Gouda on queue (Rohit’s parents). She was explaining me about traditions and different kind of puja’s, Subramanya temple known for Nagaradhane (snake worship) & also under the peepal tree (Aswatha vriksha)- a cluster of Naga idols are installed on platforms and about wish-tree (I am quite aware of it) which fulfills a long pending wish @ Ghati।

Once we were done with Darshanam, I was supposed to meet wish-tree to discuss my long pending wish(s).As there is a huge Ram-sainya (Monkeys), Mr. and Mrs. Gouda were bothered they would cause any harm to me. I really so appreciate them, for accompanying me till I was done with all my rituals. It’s pretty difficult to find people so down to earth now-a-days. Mr. Gouda a lecturer by profession and Mrs. Gouda a home maker.

Mrs. Gouda was not letting me to travel alone and they insisted me to join them so finally I made mind to travel with them. Even I and Rohit were getting along so well ;)

While we were on our way to Bangalore, some Mr. Xyz! relative of Mr. Gouda called him on his mobile and invited him (us) for his home @ Doddaballapur. So I was left with no other option than joining them, of-course I was an uninvited guest. I told Mrs. Gouda, that I will stay back in car, but she didn’t let me to do so. Funny thing was even she was meeting them all for the first time.

Mrs. Gouda introduced me as her close friend and Mr. Gouda was letting them know that I am an Engineer. He reminded me of my grand-pa (Mom’s dad) who proudly used to introduce me to his friends @ village saying my grand-daughter is an Engineer. Grand-pa: first person in my life who said “If you ever wanna achieve something in your life, don’t setback yourself when you find obstacles…” I was told this, when I found myself very difficult to cope-up in English medium in my 8th standard and I had made mind to get back to kannada medium that is when he took all the pain to come down to Bellary. I stood 1st and 2nd in school till my 7th and I got flunked in my first monthly test in 8th std. To my deep shame, I got 2/25 in mathematics and 8/25 in social science (and if I am not bragging, I used to score out of out in Kannada medium). Not coz I didn’t know the logic/answers I could not understand the questions & I had none to help me @ home. In Kannada medium, we learn “A as in..., B as in...” in English and “अ का... , आ का...” in Hindi in 5th std. I joined special tuition classes, with the help of Mr. Thippa Reddy, my tutor for Science and Mathematics I was able to cope-up and I have secured 8th rank in second monthly test. I am quite happy about it & to be honest nothing has made me so happy till date…i.e., how I have evolved. Each stressful event that you encounter will provide you with a different type of challenge, but if you can anticipate what your reaction will be, there are several techniques to help you to cope.

Get back to the point Vidya! Since long I wanted to be a “gatecrasher”, one of my weirdest dreams. Despite the fact that I won’t drop-in to any of my cousins or friends place until unless I am invited to. I was planning on doing this for quite a long time now. When you walk into someone’s party or any event or some stranger’s house without being invited, it will be so thrilled! What an experience it could be huh..?

Our lovely hosts prepared chicken biriyani, Mutton curry and Raagi balls and I am a pure veggie freak. I again put Mr. and Mrs. Gouda in to trouble & they were feeling pretty bad but luckily they had prepared Rice, Rasam and some Raitha… Actually Mr. and Mrs. Gouda were quite uncomfortable having non-veg coz I am a veggie, I earlier too experienced the same. …c’mon veggie freaks plz offer them comfort as they are not committing any sin by eating non-veg, in fact they are not competing with us for veg-food & also prices of vegetables are hitting the sky ;) .Honestly speaking I really enjoyed and ate nicely without any hesitation coz I was damn hungry all I had in the morning was 2 slices of bread :(

But all I sensed was absolute embarrassment…however dreams do come true…so don’t ever dare to dream weirdly…. ;)

Finally got back into the car, returning to our seats Mr. and Mrs. Gouda into front seats, I and Rohit occupied back seats kinda some junks. I felt something like “सालो बाद ख़ुद को आईने में देखा...!” when I saw Rohit putting his fingers in his mouth, reminded of me when I was too young. My Mom really struggled like nothing to get rid of the habit; memories are still too fresh u see ;) all this and infinitely more in the space of sixty secs. Mr. and Mrs. Gouda were so happy to see Rohit being so happy with me, playing so cheerfully and slept in my arms. By the way Rohit is 10 months old little one … ;)

They were so generous and invited me to their home as well; I said certainly I would drop-in some other time. We departed @ Yelhanka, and I was on my way to PG….

It’s been my first travelogue and it has been both a trip & a religious visit for me.

Until next blog…! Catch you ;)

4th anniversary in silicon city

Warning: sentimentality ;)

For today! I have completed my 4 years of stay in Bangalore. I checked-out from Bellary the very next day I got my final year results of B.E. I could have spent good amount of time @ home most probably I might not get the chance to stay with family @ home again. However I chose to leave, the only reason being to run off from marriage… As Siri got married @ 19, my parents wanted even me to get married @ 20. Dad’s friend brought a proposal for me when I was giving my 7th sem exams that was the time I promised Dad (false one) that let me finish off my education and I need 6 months time to mentally prepare & learn cooking and other household stuffs coz Siri had tough time in the initial days of her married life- roughly reasonable :) am I not??? Alas till date I say! I’m neither mentally prepared nor at-least I am a half-way decent cook ;)

4 years of my engineering life just ran like 4 seasons in a year. But past 4 years…..I have seen greatest depression in my life, hope so ;) even god can’t steal it from my reminiscence…

I was not quite sure that Dad will encourage me to do my higher studies, coz initially girls were looked down @ home. There was quite a lot of discrimination when I was too young (I really took it up with real sprit and challenge) however I don’t have any complaints against the same coz they had their own constraints of being in a joint family. Every single decision will be executed with everyone’s consent. But my parents really loved me a lot, who always admired my decisions and its coz of their encouragement & immense support I am able to best bounce back from dark corner. I am from such an orthodox family & I have no clue why they are so liberal in my case??? I have learnt what exactly boundless freedom, unconditional-eternal love means… ;) I wish it should last till my last breath…

I landed in Bangalore with many aspirations, set of goals and responsibilities on 2nd July 2005. However you will realize real life situations are quite unpredictable & rapidly keep changing until years of your life pass you by. The other three kirik damsels who ran from home along with me were Poori, Prathima and Shaila. Each of us had enough luggages, 3 to 4 air bags/suitcases each! As though we have left home forever…. The moment we stepped out of bus @ around 0600 hrs, we were circled by 10 to 12 autowala’s fighting among themselves for their early morning very first customers (Bakra’s – I think its pretty easy to figure out anyone who are new to the place). In the middle of this shock, one auto guy took suitcase and was heading towards his auto without our consent. Shaila literally started running behind him with two heavy bags in her hands when other drivers commented he is a thief. Oh my god!! How sick??? We got into two autos’ & heading towards our new PG which was located in KHB colony, Basaveshwar nagar. It hardly takes 35 to 40 bucks from majestic and we were looted pretty badly very first day…and he charged 200+ bucks. As autowala was taking early morning trip aramse round the city, we messed up with the address and my friend Kurshid was busy sleeping - loafer I must say. She was the one who was supposed to come and pick me up. Kurshid one of Muslim friend’s I have/had, we shared Veg & Non-veg food in a common plate, alas today we are not in touch with each other.

It’s not one or two! so many, I have lost contact with….In spite of my honest attempts things didn’t happen so I have let it go long back coz even its hard for me to compromise every time…There are many a times when I felt am I invariably utilized by everyone???, @ the same time I feel happy coz that is the level of comfortability I have given, that they always can count on me. However I always cherish those memories all my life and thanks to one and all for whomever I met on my journey….

But all I have learnt is “There is always an unfamiliar person in very much familiar person you know for years….”

I was in total mess to make a decision about my career. How I wish if we had campus placements in our college, coz employers will take up the responsibility to decide our career and lessen our burden. Few advised me to pursue course in embedded systems, very few to pursue training in VLSI that’s my passion too & so many to pursue MBA, by then it was too late for full fledged preparation. I had less than a week time to prepare after my final sem exams. Though I got decent score in PGCET-MBA, I could not get into “A” grade colleges and I was not willing to get into “B”/third grade colleges.

So MBA was ruled out from my catalog & embedded systems for no reason. May be coz I was crazy/determined/was in love with VLSI.

There are times we personally visited companies to drop our resumes, one day we covered Electronic city, complete 2nd phase & I was bed ridden for 3 days then on….
The other day white field, result bed rest for day or two…. Sad part was they just threw our resumes into dustbin before we left the place…

I got to know the “pain of rejection” for the very first time in my life when I was rejected to get admission into Sandeepani School of VLSI Design, Bangalore.

When I glance @ my past, especially past 4 years of my life is wholly occupied with one word i.e., VLSI. What not I have done to get u? What not I have tolerated coz of u? I wandered so desperately every single remote corner of Bangalore even when I was terribly sick. This was certainly out of my comfort zone…. I believe loosing battles to win the war will definitely make sense one fine day. Ultimately u made me someone; today I am quite happy to be :) I have grown mature enough to see troubles as blessings which taught me valuable lessons in life. I have accepted it only when life took its toll on me, mercilessly, sometimes.

I always find it necessary to have a discussion with Education Minister of Karnataka for three reasons, here I go….

• Do we really create/decide the number of engineering seats as per jobs available in the market..?
• As we hardly have any openings/nil openings in Electronics /Semiconductors/ Embedded systems/Design, why are we allotting max number seats in colleges for related fields…?
• If Indian semiconductor industry needs candidates only from premier institutions, why can’t we rule-out these domains from state universities? When there is no scope at all…!

Whatever! No regrets, decided not to look @ lost things…

I don’t have any regrets for whatever happened so far, coz I have met amazing people on my way, crucial lessons in life which can be learnt only from unavoidable sore circumstances... I really mean it! Coz it was really worth travelling on an endless road of pain…

I really hate to get into particular event & consequences, coz my friends (Blogger friends who are so concerned about me-I am always blessed to have “A circle of love and care” around me) are getting disappointed that I am pessimist and all time cry baby so & so…. I am helpless guy’s coz my past is crammed with grief…May be in a way I was not prepared for life.

I still believe new possibilities will appear and obstacles will certainly dissolve. If it means chopping me into zillion pieces in order to mold me into a better person, it doesn’t matter. In my opinion, the end justifies the means.

Looking forward for “Bright spots…”