Taking a break…

Happy anniversary to my blog “Finding myself lost”.

My blogging journey started just a year back; it scares me how months fly by so fast yet days seem to be too long. First and foremost, I really thank Mr. A, very good friend of mine who is just not an inspiration but more than an encouragement. Who helped me to discover an unseen writer and a lover of words in me! I really do not have any special skills in writing however I have learnt the art of churning the words out. I basically am an introvert and thought not that I would share my thoughts probably deep one’s with the people of unknown world. Thank you all for your comments and concerns most important the valuable responses to my sporadic emotions coz I never expected that unfamiliar souls will be so sensitive to my feelings. I just need to take a break to revamp certain stuffs - Much needed, I may add. Love you guys! Without you, your opinions – concerns, this BLOG would have obviously ceased to function long ago.

I definitely have benefited from blogging. My IQ has benefited ;) as well as my writing and research skills.

With so many changes in a single lifetime - Tough spot, Painful circumstances, Official dilemma etc etc etc and the gravity of unforeseen things happening around me seems to be not so manageable and my heart is refusing to surrender to circumstances, I see it’s a Total jam. For so many years, my drawer full of same memories had held the same old stories, tired of the days that were all the same. I feel like I'm gonna explode if I take too much more of this and I just need a break.

Break from everything………….!

Break-from-the-wonderful-world-of-nothing- worthwhile-for-a-Renaissance.

After all-& despite all, will be back with a bang. Thumbs up.

Post for self.

Note to self:

Yet I always had fascinated to know the grounds for classic question of how’s and why’s of consequences with all the innocence and I never gave up and has given limitless chances, looked within-deep-to shatter the myth of fate/destiny/kismet and now I am trying to make some sense out of the phrase “Everything-happens-for-a-reason” and I have figured out what the reason is “Nobody has the slightest clue of what’s going on and none has the control over it!”

It's not too late

Ron Atchison wrote many years ago these famous lines;

“It's not too late... the angel said,
Even though the world's a mess,
Even though you're not as young,
Even though you've made mistakes and have been afraid.

It's not too late... And then I saw the world through the angels' eyes...
I saw the colors I could paint,
The bridges I could build,
The lives that I could touch,
The dreams that could still come true,
And it became very clear to me,
That it's not too late...”

Wake Up Your Dreams, Make Up Your Life! That it's not too late...

I took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference

I found these incredible lines when I was flipping the pages of a novel – The Winner Stands Alone by Paulo,


TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there,
Had worn them really about the same

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and
I took the one less traveled by,
and that has made all the difference!

-- Robert Frost (1874–1963)

Yes, I took the road less traveled by and that has made all the difference. I was so confused to take up which one road, thinking will I be able to come back but now I have decided not to look back. Despite the fact that it has made me to put everything down it was really quite interesting ride with countless crisscross curves !

The ever changing cycles of life

In recent times I have come across a topic about women of vision, some random mail!

Vision is defined as; an idea, state of being or concept that one has regarding what she “wants” to do with her life or what she wants her life to be. This same phenomenon has been referred to by others as life goals, dreams, callings or aspirations, to name a few. Your Vision for your life encompasses your mission, purpose, values and your goals.

But being visualized me to be something; I had promised myself and today struggling to keep my dialogue alive even in high stake situations! I am quite confused am I facing silence or violence situations? But the ego loves that equation yet something that saps the positivity in me.

My vision has just sacked all areas of life, and not just one part of life – that lead to imbalance, and creates pressure in every corner of life.

I found myself amidst of nowhere, wandering the clouds for a silver lining, looking for everything which sustains life. I wonder is there anything that’s taking up too much space in my life, how far will I go? Am I stuck in a rut, trapped in the middle of crossfire with no way to win in sight? Am I hurting myself...traveling back in time? Is it a sheer waste of time? I would not say deliberately, but certainly seemed that way ! But I am wondering if enlightenment relies on the honesty formula, Hope can work miracles, assuming always, of-course anything to escape from the world of injustice and long, dreary, repetitive days and as real as it got in my mind I swayed my heart that my pain is affordable. Whatever! I always have embraced my life, yesterday, today, and will do in future un-sugarcoated hard cold realities which are simply facts of life!

Here is an inspirational article “The ever changing cycles of life”

“Within every 24 hours we have bright daylight and dark nights. Dark nights are automatically followed by sun-drenched days and vice versa. We have gotten used to the cycle and never doubt that one will follow the other.

Similarly our life cycle is about phases of success and failure, happiness and sorrow and so on. But the only difference is that we do not know the time frame for our personal cycles; it is not fixed like the 24 hour day and night rotation so we all tend to get dejected during our down cycles. However we must remember that although we may not know exactly when one cycle will end and the next cycle of our lives will begin….we do know it will happen….It is a fixed law of the universe and in this fact we must find solace and wait patiently for the season to change”

By Padmaja Prasad

Thanks to you Padmaja for the title coz I was clue-less whether vision for women and its consequences are name-less yet they are not emotion-less.

And I am blessed to have a handful of people who touched upon my life yesterday, today, everyday, and possibly even in this very minute who helped me to visualize as dreams do come true.

Honest thanks to all sorts of people whom I had befriended along the way coz every single one of you are significant to me as I had always found a heart that has sown hope-seed in me when I was terribly lost Near the Finish Line of the Race of-course its Race for my life.

“Reach the unreachable… where the need for it would be inconceivable” Huff! My sentiments exactly ;)

So many Why’s? – Collecting my rambling thoughts

• Why am I getting bored of life? Is it coz I am not in love with my life?

• Why am I getting uninterested in my job? Is it coz it is not what I wanted to do?

• Why am I getting fed up of challenges? Is it coz of successive obstacles from long time now?

• Why am I not getting along with people? Is it coz I expect a lot (care and attention) from them or is it coz I am unable to fulfill their expectations (No clue what others expect)?

• Why am I feeling so alone? Is it coz I have limited my circles?

• Why am I losing my sprits? Is it coz I don’t see success in anything & everything I try?

• Why am I not enjoying simple things in life? Is it coz I am forced into complex circumstances?

• Why am I failing to rejuvenate my thoughts? Is it coz I have buried unpleasant experiences in my mind?

• Why is that my heart weep in silence? Is it coz it doesn’t have a heart to listen?

• Why am I failing to see bright side of world? Is it coz I have locked myself in the dark corner?

• Why do I not trust anyone? Is it coz I don’t have trust in myself?

• Why am I flowing like a river? Is it coz I have left my thoughts free?

• Why do I over react for simple things? Is it coz my innocence was raped?

• Why am I not finding happiness anywhere? Is it coz I am unhappy from within?

• Why am I feeling so lost? Is it coz I didn’t find myself?

• Why am I still hoping for things to happen? Is it coz I don’t have an option?

• Why am I honestly laying my heart in whatever I do? Is it coz I am getting used to it?

• Why am I not finding answer to any of these questions? Is it coz I am traveling world with big questions?

Thoughts of lost soul…….

Born Into Brothels: Calcutta's Red Light Kids

I've written stuff I never thought of by myself that I would write about other’s life or society or people of the world. Coz I always believe in “Don’t compare your life with others. You have no idea what their journey is all about”.

Yes it is much realistic, American documentary film about the children of prostitutes in Sonagachi, Calcutta’s red light district! Welled up my eyes.

Plot of film goes like this:

Zana Briski, a documentary photographer, went to Calcutta to photograph prostitutes. While there, she befriended their children and offered to teach the children photography to reciprocate being allowed to photograph their Mothers, Nature, Environment, Society, People so on and so forth. The children were given cameras in capturing the so called beautiful world around them. So they could learn photography and possibly improve their lives & Zana was able to give the children a different way to look at life. Much of their work was used in the film, and the filmmakers recorded the classes as well as daily life in the red light district. The children's work was exhibited, and one boy was even sent to a photography conference in Amsterdam.

The excellent element of this documentary which moved me was the life of those prostitutes and the kids, the way they see life in hostile environment and the most was Zana Briski an English artist (photographer, filmmaker) and activist.

Briski also recorded her efforts to place the children in boarding schools apart from name fame and her documentary which is certainly not a part of her job. Being a foreigner she has done great job for our own country kids. She took so much of pain to obtain Citizenship, Ration card, Photo ID, medical certificate to prove they are HIV negative etc etc to obtain an admission for those kids into Boarding school that’s truly incredible. I doubt does our system really care about all these formalities for a kid born to a non-prostitute. Being Indians we (most of us) don’t come forward to take up the responsibility of our neighbors, our people, our friends, our relatives sometimes our own people. Zana really deserves an appreciation from the whole world for her selfless service.

Few things are at a so standstill that they would never change in a country like India even decades down the line. The documentary itself acknowledges that many of those saved from the red light district and put into boarding school ended up leaving the school and returning to their families before long. I agree her efforts all went in vain coz it’s a very hard route to take, not the easy way out. However it’s certainly an essential lesson for us & our system.

It was nominated for so many awards and won most of them the sole reason being we enjoy or get entertained for few hours with distressing stories like,

The 'invisible' half-Almost one in every two children under three years of age is hungry. This is the invisible half of our population, people who disappear from our consciousness until they die in large numbers.

No place for single women- A politician speaking of the National Rural Employment Guarantee Programme. “They don't want widows & turn you away if you are single, without a male partner” when a woman is willing to work as a coolie after her husband commits suicide... The NREGP programme itself was to benefit lakhs of poor families in the State.

Lives which showcase poverty, forced labor, migration, illiteracy & lead few souls to a wrong place coz our (good) thoughts will never reflect our actions to offer a helping hand for those helpless, hopeless and homeless...

Of-course we believe in Protecting Hinduism by Attacking Unarmed Women

We keep revising policies of Govt, Defense, Educational system, NGO’s, Corporate etc etc every freaking thing for the betterment of living. We compete against science and technology in order to gain an identity in the world map, so what are we up to…? What are we fighting for…? What are we trying to achieve…? We so care about our own kids like their education, their career, their success and probably before they are born but why do those kids have to undergo such a tough life..? Is it coz they are not our kids..? Of-course this may be a responsible behavior of an individual but when we look at things in a broader perspective, things do really matters…

Awards won by Born Into Brothels: Calcutta's Red Light Kids:

• 2005 Academy Award for Best Documentary Feature – Zana Briski, Kauffman
• 2004 Bermuda International Film Festival - Audience Choice Award - Briski, Kauffman
• Documentary Prize - Briski, Kauffman
• 2004 Cleveland International Film Festival - Best Film - Briski, Kauffman
• 2004 Full Frame Documentary Film Festival Audience Award - Briski, Kauffman (tied
withWorld Wars)
• 2004 National Board of Review Award for Best Documentary
• 2004 Seattle International Film Festival Golden Space Needle Award - Briski, Kauffman
• 2004 Sundance Film Festival Audience Award - Documentary – Kauffman

The sale of photographs clicked by the kids has risen over $100,000. The documentary has grossed $700,000 in 12 weeks. The money from the film was contributed towards a school for the children of sex workers in Calcutta.

A thought provoking documentary - Born Into Brothels: Calcutta's Red Light Kids

http://www.imdb.com/video/screenplay/vi2965045529/

A deep thought to our society....

What is it going to take... ? To eat life whole...!

It occurred to me this week that this is a mighty powerful question.

• What’s it going to take? We usually use that phrase in dire circumstances.
• What’s it going to take for you to wake up?
• What’s it going to take for me to quit?
• What’s it going to take for them to realize?

But life is an urgent circumstance, really, when you think about it. Birth is miraculous. Survival is miraculous. Death is inevitable. Suffering is well….optional. Life is urgent.

I wonder what my days would be like if I approached my happiness with more urgency and insistence (like I do deadlines and should-do’s). I have GOT to meet my dancing quota! Come hell or high water, I WILL get a facial and lay in the sun!

Most important deadlines: to meander, to laugh until I snort by noon every day, to see the first robin bird of spring before the week is over.

So, in the spirit of urgent vitality, and not knowing when death may strike, and being acutely bored of my same old pattern of complaints, I’m asking myself, lovingly but firmly: LaPorte, what’s it going to take for you to be incredibly joyful?

• What’s it going to take for you to make an evolutionary leap as an artist, lover, mother, friend, human?
• What’s it going to take to get you to walk to the lake that’s four minutes from your house?
• What’s it going to take to get you on the dance floor? You want to eat life whole? To know God? To radiate pure love?
• What’s it going to take?

One of the best article I have read in recent times.
Article was published in "Tickled by Life-are you" By Danielle LaPorte.

Me, my space, my musings, my weird dreams @ Ghati…

Subramanya temple @ Ghati

Lifez turning to be pretty much boring as no thrills, nil adventures or at-least eerie things which used to happen with me every now and then!!! Even it’s so long that I have spent sometime alone, time for myself & space for my musings. I certainly have spent a lot of time in my own head (and I still do!) and had a very overactive imagination (and I used to do!)…

I was on my way to offer space for myself with Subbu (I need to have a destination right!!!), Subbu-Gani’s elder brother i.e., Ghati Subramanya is one of the popular pilgrim centers located near Doddaballapur of Bangalore Rural district @ around 60 to 65 kms from Bangalore, pretty much crowded place and there are KSRTC bus trips to this place as well from Majestic.

After series of enquires @ KGBS I got to know the availability of public transport for next trip. I was the first one to get inside the bus and I see none who were making their trip to Ghati, thought is Subbu working on Sunday’s or is it a weekly off for him…? There is a possibility coz Bangalore u see ;) when we have temple complexes here, Temple complex !! even I was amazed for the first time when I read it on poster, Ganesh temple, 5th block, Koramangala coz u can find Gani’s entire family here!!! however bus was jam-packed in ten mins time ;)

I occupied myself to the window seat, watching bright side of the day, greenery, hills, listening music, wow…My mind so free, so thoughtless, so fearless & I see no straws in the wind which would suggest me that the things gonna/might happen in near future…An elderly aunt was seated next to me, I didn’t talk to her much at all, as she seemed to be pretty much worried… once we reached Ghati @ 1240 hrs I was getting ready to get out of the bus that was the time I put off Ipod!

Aunt: Is it Icon?
Me: Nope, it’s called as Ipod. Even untutored aunts are pretty much aware of electronic gadgets now-a-days.
Aunt: U only can listen to songs right? U can’t record anything!
Me: Yes, audio recording can be but not video recording…
Aunt: U came all alone...!!! I came with my hubby and son.
Me: Yeah. My parents stay in a far away place and I stay here in PG and friends are quite busy. I sensed she belongs to an orthodox family & didn’t tell her that it was my individual decision to spend time alone as there were quite a lot chances of taking me wrong. And I might need to give a lot explanation to her. Not a surprise really, even few of my friends (male & female) were concerned / surprised that I went alone.

I brought myself to a halt @ nearby shop to buy coconuts, flowers, banana and agarbatthi so & so to please Subbu. Shop keeper guided me the way to entrance door of temple. As I got into the temple there was a quite long queue and there I found one more, as in bribed one. Not many temples remain without being commercialized now-a-days. If I pay Rs.10/- they would let me in directly, that was my assumption & a board on entrance door read as “ಪುಷ್ಯ ಶುದ್ಧ ಷಷ್ಠಿ ರಥ ಮಹೋಸ್ತವ ವಿಶೇಷ ದರ್ಶನ…” anyways left with no other choice, I got into beeline with queue of 200 ahead of me and another 100 following me unlike to ant’s line of 0.7 to 0.9k.

Later when I met Subbu, all the difference I learnt between ordinary line and bribed one was, you are allowed to see Subbu @ 30 foot distance and 10 foot distance respectively।

I almost forgot (How bad of me) I met Rohit while slogging in the queue. Rohit: so cute, so single and ready to mingle and was flirting with so many gals of-course my new boy friend ;) with whom I have spent rest of my journey.

I met two more souls who were so concerned about me (as a lonely gal), Mr. & Mrs. Gouda on queue (Rohit’s parents). She was explaining me about traditions and different kind of puja’s, Subramanya temple known for Nagaradhane (snake worship) & also under the peepal tree (Aswatha vriksha)- a cluster of Naga idols are installed on platforms and about wish-tree (I am quite aware of it) which fulfills a long pending wish @ Ghati।

Once we were done with Darshanam, I was supposed to meet wish-tree to discuss my long pending wish(s).As there is a huge Ram-sainya (Monkeys), Mr. and Mrs. Gouda were bothered they would cause any harm to me. I really so appreciate them, for accompanying me till I was done with all my rituals. It’s pretty difficult to find people so down to earth now-a-days. Mr. Gouda a lecturer by profession and Mrs. Gouda a home maker.

Mrs. Gouda was not letting me to travel alone and they insisted me to join them so finally I made mind to travel with them. Even I and Rohit were getting along so well ;)

While we were on our way to Bangalore, some Mr. Xyz! relative of Mr. Gouda called him on his mobile and invited him (us) for his home @ Doddaballapur. So I was left with no other option than joining them, of-course I was an uninvited guest. I told Mrs. Gouda, that I will stay back in car, but she didn’t let me to do so. Funny thing was even she was meeting them all for the first time.

Mrs. Gouda introduced me as her close friend and Mr. Gouda was letting them know that I am an Engineer. He reminded me of my grand-pa (Mom’s dad) who proudly used to introduce me to his friends @ village saying my grand-daughter is an Engineer. Grand-pa: first person in my life who said “If you ever wanna achieve something in your life, don’t setback yourself when you find obstacles…” I was told this, when I found myself very difficult to cope-up in English medium in my 8th standard and I had made mind to get back to kannada medium that is when he took all the pain to come down to Bellary. I stood 1st and 2nd in school till my 7th and I got flunked in my first monthly test in 8th std. To my deep shame, I got 2/25 in mathematics and 8/25 in social science (and if I am not bragging, I used to score out of out in Kannada medium). Not coz I didn’t know the logic/answers I could not understand the questions & I had none to help me @ home. In Kannada medium, we learn “A as in..., B as in...” in English and “अ का... , आ का...” in Hindi in 5th std. I joined special tuition classes, with the help of Mr. Thippa Reddy, my tutor for Science and Mathematics I was able to cope-up and I have secured 8th rank in second monthly test. I am quite happy about it & to be honest nothing has made me so happy till date…i.e., how I have evolved. Each stressful event that you encounter will provide you with a different type of challenge, but if you can anticipate what your reaction will be, there are several techniques to help you to cope.

Get back to the point Vidya! Since long I wanted to be a “gatecrasher”, one of my weirdest dreams. Despite the fact that I won’t drop-in to any of my cousins or friends place until unless I am invited to. I was planning on doing this for quite a long time now. When you walk into someone’s party or any event or some stranger’s house without being invited, it will be so thrilled! What an experience it could be huh..?

Our lovely hosts prepared chicken biriyani, Mutton curry and Raagi balls and I am a pure veggie freak. I again put Mr. and Mrs. Gouda in to trouble & they were feeling pretty bad but luckily they had prepared Rice, Rasam and some Raitha… Actually Mr. and Mrs. Gouda were quite uncomfortable having non-veg coz I am a veggie, I earlier too experienced the same. …c’mon veggie freaks plz offer them comfort as they are not committing any sin by eating non-veg, in fact they are not competing with us for veg-food & also prices of vegetables are hitting the sky ;) .Honestly speaking I really enjoyed and ate nicely without any hesitation coz I was damn hungry all I had in the morning was 2 slices of bread :(

But all I sensed was absolute embarrassment…however dreams do come true…so don’t ever dare to dream weirdly…. ;)

Finally got back into the car, returning to our seats Mr. and Mrs. Gouda into front seats, I and Rohit occupied back seats kinda some junks. I felt something like “सालो बाद ख़ुद को आईने में देखा...!” when I saw Rohit putting his fingers in his mouth, reminded of me when I was too young. My Mom really struggled like nothing to get rid of the habit; memories are still too fresh u see ;) all this and infinitely more in the space of sixty secs. Mr. and Mrs. Gouda were so happy to see Rohit being so happy with me, playing so cheerfully and slept in my arms. By the way Rohit is 10 months old little one … ;)

They were so generous and invited me to their home as well; I said certainly I would drop-in some other time. We departed @ Yelhanka, and I was on my way to PG….

It’s been my first travelogue and it has been both a trip & a religious visit for me.

Until next blog…! Catch you ;)

4th anniversary in silicon city

Warning: sentimentality ;)

For today! I have completed my 4 years of stay in Bangalore. I checked-out from Bellary the very next day I got my final year results of B.E. I could have spent good amount of time @ home most probably I might not get the chance to stay with family @ home again. However I chose to leave, the only reason being to run off from marriage… As Siri got married @ 19, my parents wanted even me to get married @ 20. Dad’s friend brought a proposal for me when I was giving my 7th sem exams that was the time I promised Dad (false one) that let me finish off my education and I need 6 months time to mentally prepare & learn cooking and other household stuffs coz Siri had tough time in the initial days of her married life- roughly reasonable :) am I not??? Alas till date I say! I’m neither mentally prepared nor at-least I am a half-way decent cook ;)

4 years of my engineering life just ran like 4 seasons in a year. But past 4 years…..I have seen greatest depression in my life, hope so ;) even god can’t steal it from my reminiscence…

I was not quite sure that Dad will encourage me to do my higher studies, coz initially girls were looked down @ home. There was quite a lot of discrimination when I was too young (I really took it up with real sprit and challenge) however I don’t have any complaints against the same coz they had their own constraints of being in a joint family. Every single decision will be executed with everyone’s consent. But my parents really loved me a lot, who always admired my decisions and its coz of their encouragement & immense support I am able to best bounce back from dark corner. I am from such an orthodox family & I have no clue why they are so liberal in my case??? I have learnt what exactly boundless freedom, unconditional-eternal love means… ;) I wish it should last till my last breath…

I landed in Bangalore with many aspirations, set of goals and responsibilities on 2nd July 2005. However you will realize real life situations are quite unpredictable & rapidly keep changing until years of your life pass you by. The other three kirik damsels who ran from home along with me were Poori, Prathima and Shaila. Each of us had enough luggages, 3 to 4 air bags/suitcases each! As though we have left home forever…. The moment we stepped out of bus @ around 0600 hrs, we were circled by 10 to 12 autowala’s fighting among themselves for their early morning very first customers (Bakra’s – I think its pretty easy to figure out anyone who are new to the place). In the middle of this shock, one auto guy took suitcase and was heading towards his auto without our consent. Shaila literally started running behind him with two heavy bags in her hands when other drivers commented he is a thief. Oh my god!! How sick??? We got into two autos’ & heading towards our new PG which was located in KHB colony, Basaveshwar nagar. It hardly takes 35 to 40 bucks from majestic and we were looted pretty badly very first day…and he charged 200+ bucks. As autowala was taking early morning trip aramse round the city, we messed up with the address and my friend Kurshid was busy sleeping - loafer I must say. She was the one who was supposed to come and pick me up. Kurshid one of Muslim friend’s I have/had, we shared Veg & Non-veg food in a common plate, alas today we are not in touch with each other.

It’s not one or two! so many, I have lost contact with….In spite of my honest attempts things didn’t happen so I have let it go long back coz even its hard for me to compromise every time…There are many a times when I felt am I invariably utilized by everyone???, @ the same time I feel happy coz that is the level of comfortability I have given, that they always can count on me. However I always cherish those memories all my life and thanks to one and all for whomever I met on my journey….

But all I have learnt is “There is always an unfamiliar person in very much familiar person you know for years….”

I was in total mess to make a decision about my career. How I wish if we had campus placements in our college, coz employers will take up the responsibility to decide our career and lessen our burden. Few advised me to pursue course in embedded systems, very few to pursue training in VLSI that’s my passion too & so many to pursue MBA, by then it was too late for full fledged preparation. I had less than a week time to prepare after my final sem exams. Though I got decent score in PGCET-MBA, I could not get into “A” grade colleges and I was not willing to get into “B”/third grade colleges.

So MBA was ruled out from my catalog & embedded systems for no reason. May be coz I was crazy/determined/was in love with VLSI.

There are times we personally visited companies to drop our resumes, one day we covered Electronic city, complete 2nd phase & I was bed ridden for 3 days then on….
The other day white field, result bed rest for day or two…. Sad part was they just threw our resumes into dustbin before we left the place…

I got to know the “pain of rejection” for the very first time in my life when I was rejected to get admission into Sandeepani School of VLSI Design, Bangalore.

When I glance @ my past, especially past 4 years of my life is wholly occupied with one word i.e., VLSI. What not I have done to get u? What not I have tolerated coz of u? I wandered so desperately every single remote corner of Bangalore even when I was terribly sick. This was certainly out of my comfort zone…. I believe loosing battles to win the war will definitely make sense one fine day. Ultimately u made me someone; today I am quite happy to be :) I have grown mature enough to see troubles as blessings which taught me valuable lessons in life. I have accepted it only when life took its toll on me, mercilessly, sometimes.

I always find it necessary to have a discussion with Education Minister of Karnataka for three reasons, here I go….

• Do we really create/decide the number of engineering seats as per jobs available in the market..?
• As we hardly have any openings/nil openings in Electronics /Semiconductors/ Embedded systems/Design, why are we allotting max number seats in colleges for related fields…?
• If Indian semiconductor industry needs candidates only from premier institutions, why can’t we rule-out these domains from state universities? When there is no scope at all…!

Whatever! No regrets, decided not to look @ lost things…

I don’t have any regrets for whatever happened so far, coz I have met amazing people on my way, crucial lessons in life which can be learnt only from unavoidable sore circumstances... I really mean it! Coz it was really worth travelling on an endless road of pain…

I really hate to get into particular event & consequences, coz my friends (Blogger friends who are so concerned about me-I am always blessed to have “A circle of love and care” around me) are getting disappointed that I am pessimist and all time cry baby so & so…. I am helpless guy’s coz my past is crammed with grief…May be in a way I was not prepared for life.

I still believe new possibilities will appear and obstacles will certainly dissolve. If it means chopping me into zillion pieces in order to mold me into a better person, it doesn’t matter. In my opinion, the end justifies the means.

Looking forward for “Bright spots…”

Struggle for survival….A lazy dog

Sunday! Pretty much boring Sunday ever in my life :(

From last one week coz of the grace or mercy of Sukanya (scared to comment); grace coz we keep watching good old movies and mercy coz she is letting me to sleep at-least for few hours. I have given new name to my comp that’s “TV” now-a-days we only use it to watch movies, not really… ;) it’s my best companion.

Saturday night she made me to watch “Balondu Bhava geethe” good old Kannada movie. It’s actually a pretty much tragic story but we felt/made quite a lot fun out of it and truly enjoyed. By the time I crashed on my bed it was 0100 hrs, early morning guess so.

No power for whole day, and I was given with the contract of applying mehandi to Sukanya and even myself only day we pamper ourselves. End result my head started hurting pretty badly coz of lack of power, water I could not wash my head till late evening. Even I could not loaf around as well. What a sick day…!!!

A puppy! not really it was grown big enough, got stuck in our chajja in first floor. So many of us tried to help him to get-out of it, but it was so lazy to put even nil efforts.With mercy of few gals it got food all day. Finally everyone got bugged up and cursed it for not willing to give an attempt and got into their regular Sunday job. PG will be a more or less a beauty clinic on Sunday’s.

I got frustrated by evening and thought let me deal with dog, to know what exactly its probs…is? I took all the pain to get inside the garage to find wooden planks, so that it may help dog to come out. But when I placed wooden planks in chajja in a way to connect a bridge to balcony, our duffer went to the other corner to hide as though I am gonna torture him… Idiot or may be was challenging me! Catch me if you can…?

But @ around 2110 hrs it tried by its own and ultimately came out with the help of wooden planks. I was quite happy to know that my efforts didn’t go in vain. It only came out when it started drizzling; all I have learnt even from lazy dog is “struggle for survival…”

U only can survive, if you can help yourself…

Stepped into another phase of life....

Circumstances keep changing….,

Decisions keep you regretting….,

Past keeps you hurting….,

Future keeps you scaring…, but Life keeps moving…

Yes I stepped into another phase of my life i.e, Insecurity…

I started feeling very much insecure now-a-days…

Insecure about myself, insecure about life, I Think/Rethink, has I given too much of thought for life or have I expected too much out of Life….which is creating emotions of insecurity. Insecurity is turning me into someone, I am really not.

I know of the "presenting problem" on the surface; but what is the root problem, what's at the bottom of it all? Maybe I don't know; maybe I do, but it's too frightening to look at it, or to talk about it with someone else. Discussed with Siri, she said don’t give too much of thought, alas thoughts are not under my control. Tried reaching couple of friends of same age band to know have they anytime/all-time come across such questions within themselves..? As usual I couldn’t reach any of them when I will be in need, which in turn created insecurity about friends. However Insecurity is not an objective evaluation of one's ability but an emotional justification. After all, as usual I wouldn't want anyone else to know about where I hurt..?

I presume that I am not the only one who is going thro’ a phase of feeling…..Insecurity

Thursday night...

We’ve had heard people celebrating Friday night’s, but Thursday night!!!

11th June, quite ordinary day with very much boring routine life. Get-up early in the morning @ 0008 hrs, fresh-up, dress-up & rush to office. No!!! Again in office look @ the very same boring faces :( Gani plz add some color to my life with some interesting faces around me ;) u listening???

It was somewhat special day for Gani coz it was “Sankashti”. Sankashti-Chaturthi as in “Kashtagalannella parihara maado Gani – English version Gani plz liberate me from all turmoil’s” as per my understandings. As per Google “The person who does Sankashti-Chaturthi (do fasting till the moon-rise and then eat the food, however all day I eat fruits, some times chocolates,Chikki's,Ice-creams, drink Juice/Coffee/Chai it depends on individual capacity u see ;) & even I don’t see any set of laws ) will collect lot of virtues. After the death that person goes to Swanand-loka and the rebirth of that person stops. There is a belief in Hinduism that a person takes seven births before gets 'Moksha' (becomes free, there is no rebirth afterwards)” whatever even I don’t wish to be reborn in this world again. One life very much loyal to it! In other words, emotionally and intellectually honest...

Unfortunately this time I broke the fast in the morning itself coz I wasn’t aware of it :( though Mom has sent Calendar, as we don’t have any wall nails in the room to hang it on, and even we failed to hammer iron nails into the wall, so it will be lying @ some corner in the rack. The actual reason is the other day coz of my tantrums I got one or two warnings from Poori and I was trying to blackmail her emotionally, occupying myself to some corner of bed not talking to her, hugging my spare pillow as we don’t have individual rooms in PG :( which I am well known to do @ home when I was very little not exactly even today I do.

A little Lizard was resting in that pillow I believe, when I was crushing and rolling over the pillow, it got hurt and jumped out to rescue its life. Sad part is it jumped on my right hand. Many of us believe that its sign of bad luck/good luck and especially people like me! so biased by life’s curve balls. That was the time we were looking for our calendar coz on the backside of most calendar’s they give sufficient info about such crap.Unfortunately it said when Lizard falls on female’s right hand - bad luck for 1 year. I really don’t know why I became so emotional and without my knowledge tears started rolling down my cheeks may be thinking I still have to struggle for one more year something like pain forever. However I believe no point in burdening your memory with non-essentials. Poori made her honest attempts to wipe away those tears. Soon we got into debate against Hindu superstitions stating its all bullshit. After a while Poori jumped towards me and said holding my hand “I have touched golden lizard in kanchi kamakshi temple @ Kanchipuram (city of temples), Tamil nadu”, so if you touch me the evil effects will get vanished. I was laughing @ her, how hard we try to convince our heart against reality…Isn’t it..?

Outcome of this Lizard story is that I missed Sankashti-Chaturthi coz Calendar was mislaid. Now Gani must be furious about me and will show all his talents on me, soon you guys will get to know the consequences :( something like

“The person whom you trust the most is the one who is gonna hurt you the most...”
whatever! Every thing is pre-written nothing can be re-written…

Poori tried reaching me to convey the message about Sankashti by then I already had my first bite of breakfast. So Poori doesn’t have any opponent to impress Gani...

Normally people break fast with Milk, Fruits or Prasadam. However Poori does with Samosa, Jalebi, Kachori! Of course Jalebi was my quaish… Though we have so many temples nearby, she prefers to go to 1st block, Koramangala the only reason being “Saraswathi Bakery”. But chats are really awesome... ;)

At around @ 2130 hrs we three having Samosa with Pudina/Tamarind chatni… Jalebi… Funny thing is we tried Mango with Pudina/Tamarind chatni…sounds yuck but tastes yummy… all the three of us were feeling very much tired and a thought waved in our brain was Head massage! I did for Poori & Sukanya and Sukanya to me….

Later we thought to do something to our faces as well coz someone had passed comments that we look ABC as in Age Bar Candidate… being in mid-twenties. (Now-a-days almost everyone comments only intention is to convey the direct message indirectly i.e., to get married) We applied Dhathri fairness face pack here is how we look, so gorgeous… are we not…?

Me, Poori & Sukanya

In recent times Lizard flew on Poori’s left foot & as per our calendar seer, she will gain some money, unfortunately she lost Rs.1000/- Dunno what to say now…? However Lizard is quite innocent in this case she was careless and without inspecting, she threw envelop into dustbin in which she had kept money…

One more fable, Don’t make an assumption that this is an ordinary sweet…The other day Poori was attending reception of her colleague and I demanded sweet provided it must be from the wedding hall ;) ….You believe it or not she is such a sweetheart, she flicked it for me…Sorry dear I just was kidding never thought you mind it so seriously… Though she commented I have gone nuts or whatever! Phir bhi Mein ne tumhe maaf kar diya hain beta ;) Bade Dilwale…

Love....

Comes what May!
Keep your capacity to love alive!
Coz love is living!
Love is a river!
Do not close its embankments!
It will flood!
Let the river of love flow!
Forever and ever from your heart!
Or else it will flood through your eyes!

Rain Rain Don’t Go Away

Inspired by today's rain….

I thought Rain Raja has listened to my heart and brought a much-awaited rain on Sunday. It started to drizzle while I was on my way to PG after little shopping. Once I reached PG threw all stuffs & I took a little "Get out of the room" trip to terrace to douse in the rain. It's amazing to watch rain shower when few drops of water falling off from somewhere & die away when touches the ground… I take pleasure in when thousands of rain drops hugs me with immense love and affection though I miss some trillions ;). Thought of calling few gals in the PG who were busy watching some crap movie in Sony channel. Didn’t dare to coz I was little worried if they entitle me as some kinda crack to intentionally get drenched in the rain. Everyone is a little crazy in their own way.

I locked myself in the open terrace for 35 mins @ around 1635 hrs. All alone I blossomed in the rain garden like Adenium (desert rose) - very rare desert flower ;)

Our back yard looks like a little jungle because it’s densely populated with so many trees. I saw a minuscule Jog falls akin to Jog Falls situated amidst dense forests of Western Ghats. River Sharavathi which makes the falls from a height of 830 feet most spectacular to watch. River Sharavathi moves on and joins the Arabian Sea at Honnavar. And jog behind my PG was falling from a height of 4 feet which was joining our closed drains.

After a while, Tanuja “Go crazy on rain” kinda gal came to terrace. I wanted the rain to pour, but it played hide & seek. It was on for a while & then off. I was in terrace. It must have just poured :(

It’s my very first rain shower in the year… ;)

At times “Let your eyes do some raining if you are ever gonna grow….”

May you live all the days of your life…

At times I feel so disturbed, just can’t control my emotions and wanna run somewhere. Though I believe “whenever you are afraid of something round the corner never runaway from it, always face it with your brave heart”. Something was hurting me deep inside. I actually wasn’t able to figure-out exactly the thing which was distracting my thoughts. I decided to go home the only place which isolates me from regular baseless fears & soul interrupting thoughts to an extent.

I was honestly planning from last week of last month and coz of my interviews it was delayed till 29th April. Finally after attending an interview I have decided to go home what so ever is gonna happen and booked my ticket.

To be honest till now I haven't been excited about my B’day & never felt my B’day is something special. It’s been just an ordinary day in calendar like every other day. Especially from past three years I have spent my B’days alone. As it lies on public holiday half of Bangalore will be empty and half of PG too-a special holiday for me/everyone in the name of my B’day ;) How I wish I must be some great celebrity. I used to watch a movie which was taken in a single shot, no rehearsal at all. Movie of my own life, incidents, characters, circumstances and end results coz everything used to flash before my eyes. I always used to think about what have I achieved last year!!!

No man how can I forget I have shared (I prefer to say sharing instead of celebrating) my B’day in 2007 with Satya- a close friend of mine @ her sister’s place. I think I am catching up with age ;) Hema akka prepared obbattu for me and we went to watch years block buster movie “Mungaru male” that was Gagan’s choice. Gagan- Satya’s nephew I doubt what has moved him so badly to watch that movie for three times as he hardly can understand the storyline of the movie as he was just 4 years old. His fav scene! When the character Devdas (Rabbit) dies in the movie, I think even many others fav as well. Eventually we went to meet Gani in evening. Though I do something constructive or not on that particular day I will definitely meet him at least to give some gaali’s if not to pray.

Fortunately I was at home this time. Me lying in terrace under sky-stars-moon. As time has just hit 0000hrs on 1st May I said “Happy B’day Viddu” of-course the first person to wish me ;) which I have ever done earlier at all. I don't want to merely exist! I want my “Soul to sing, Heart to dance, Spirits to flourish, Thoughts to rejunuvate...that's living. I want to be truly alive” was my B’day wish. No clue I was quite content stepping into another year unlike being a cynic like past years. Morning I woke up by Emu’s (Hema) call @ 0007 hrs. A cousin of mine, I actually can say she is no less than my own siblings. Though much younger to me she easily can read my heart. Whatever I ask for she will execute it, I always can count on her. Fallowed by two more calls from my sweetheart (Siri) and Madhu-a cousin. I got three B’day SMS from friends Vaishali, Soumya and Suvarana.

Naga and Keshi cousins of mine @ home wished me. One of the cutest wish of the day was my little Lalli’s (my niece) “Attha! Aapy Batheday fallowed by paathi” which Naga taught her that is all she can pronounce as she is just 2 year old. She actually meant “Attha! Happy B’day & she need party”. I still didn’t receive any wishes from my Mom was wondering did she forget??? Even if she forgets I will never mind, I know she is so pre-occupied with limitless thoughts. I only realized when she was busy in making sweets for me.

I just was wondering it’s been so long that I was @ home on my B’days. I have not shared my B’day with Mom from past 7 yrs coz Mom moved to village when I was pursuing my 2nd year of Engineering, with Siri for 4 yrs now and with Purshi (my bro) for 8 yrs now coz his extra curricular activities occupied much priority than regular studies that was time Dad pulled him out from college and put him into fields. However I wasn’t able to figure-out when was the last time I was with Dad on my B’day what a sick female I must be!!! Though a single hour doesn’t slip away from my life without having a thought about him. Even this time Dad was out of town for day or so :( But he was at home @ 1030 hrs and bought sweets for me. Maalpuri and Anjoor Burfi! Gulbarga’s special items.

Took shower and after regular ritual of pooja, Mom-Dad blessed me to have Good health, wealth, intellect & peace-which I really need it. Me, Mom, and Lalli went to Maa Kaali’s temple.

A thought waved in my brilliant brain to cook something. Initially mom was slightly worried am I gonna make it or not. I think she was quite sure it’s gonna be a mess and then she will be the one to fix it. I got into the field ‘kitchen field’ with the mission to prepare Kesaribath, Gulab Jamoon, and pakoda/i’s. I have spent most of the day in kitchen coz the only place where I can find mom & I wanted to spend my time with her. Very much unlike to my routine life coz I am the damsel who starts day with comp & ends day with comp.Treated Gani with Kesaribath & me with Gulab Jamoon, and Pakoda/i’s and of-course others as well @ home. Gulab Jamoon was out of this world and Pakoda/i’s were so delicious & crispy. I actually was wondering how it came-out so well which was out of my imagination. Even Kesaribath was quite good I am not bragging, you guys can verify with Gani, Gani plz tell them!!! However I honestly confess Mom helped me to an extent.

All I was missing very badly was Siri. Even she wanted to spend time with me. I couldn’t make it on time coz my interviews kept postponing; she left to her in-laws place the day I left Bangalore, I understand gals will have many more commitments after marriage. However I don’t expect anything from anyone I was missing her gift-one of my fav, she used to present me on my B’days a dress of-course that will be my B’day dress and lump-sum for partying with friends.

End of the day Mom handed me the gift Siri had left for me that was cash prize of Rs.3000/- and she did leave a message saying she did not find time buy a dress. Mom’s gift Rs.1500/- and Purshi’s gift Rs.2000/-.

Once I reached Bangalore, I received calls from Rani,Teena, Satya, Prathima & Ashraf. Rani a close buddy of mine, she was always there for me when I was in great depression. Teena a close friend however I always found sister in her & to whom I am very much attached emotionally. Ashraf college buddy we share a common B'day ;) I learnt that I got 2 mails wishing me on my B’day from Shashi and Gowri-Vijay and 5 scraps in orkut from Manju, Renuka, Lavanya, Saurabh and Rani.

Last but not least belated wishes from my darlings/Roomies/friends cum Jaani Dushmans Poori and Sukanya. I was gifted with kurtha and one of best novel which I was so desperately looking for quite a long time i.e., “Like the flowing river –Thoughts & Reflections” by Paulo coelho.

Thanks to one and all. A heart felt sorry for those who couldn’t reach me as my mobile was not under network coverage area.

Most simple yet most memorable B’day of mine. Apart from all celebrations, wishes & gifts I shared my B’day with my blog which is a just a perfect mirror image of mine :)

The other side of intrepid lady...

The intrepid lady here is undoubtedly me. The Incident happened on 10th April which proved even I am one among "Seedi Saadi si Bharatiya so called Nazook girls".I mean Pukleshi - Darpok ladki hoon. I was chatting with a friend of mine and all of a sudden power went off coz of short circuit in the building at around 2030 hrs. All I was worried about was my comp as intense sparks came from spike board. However I was quite certain that no damage I mean apparent one might have occurred to my comp coz monitor was gazing at me & vice-versa. I don’t wish see any harm happening to it coz it has equally gone thro’ all the phases as I had. I just put the system off and sat in my balcony waiting restlessly for power to come nevertheless a wife waiting for her husband to return from work. Guys don’t expect! it’s been ruled out from “Marriage geeta”. “Marriage Geeta” just like “Bhagavad Geeta”. Now-a-days it’s pretty hard to wait for someone to return home as everyone is running out of time such a busy life u see ;)

Soon I learnt that there was a power fluctuation at the electric pole and I could see the flames coming out of street light. Few mins later even street light was deceased leaving behind pungent odor as cables were parched.

I realized that there is no point in waiting and informed Latha our cashier in the PG. Too high fundoo PG u know we have collection dept, super-vision dept means supervisor, yet there is no warden… whatever ! They tried calling KEB guys couple of times as expected there won’t be any response from them. I really doubt will Govt ever be reachable to help for ordinary people in our country. I was left with a candle light for the rest of the night. As I stay in top floor(2nd), plywood partition room, Ceramic tiles pretty hot unlike marbles, no ventilator at all, one control switch for two fans with high speed & no regulator- so all time with Full speed fans - full noise else Zero speed fans – Zero noise choice is ours it’s almost like Indra Bhavan (Lord Indra’s palace). Lambi kahani - almost a great epic. The only reason to opt such room was slightly spacious among all coz I really got enough junk I mean luggage ;) and imagine
Junk * 3 (Junk * 3 = Mine, Poori’s, Sukanya’s) couldn’t fit them in other rooms. Even we were running short of time to search for better place and our only prerequisite was it must be in koramangala.

Aur Huzoor “kuch paane ke liye kuch khona padta hai”…

Me and Poori finished candle light dinner coz power didn’t turn-up even when needles in clock crossed 2200 hrs. We were getting baked up in our room coz more or less it resembles oven. I was worried how to sleep when I wasn’t able to stay for few mins without fan. Then I suggested her how about resting in terrace?

Poori: Don’t you think it’s risky..??
Me: In life-once in a while we need to take risks, worry only about which one is worth taking ;)

She was slightly worried initially & then she agreed. So far none has taken such an audacious decision of sleeping in terrace that too in a city like Bangalore & area like Koramangala coz its better known to be Kollemangala as most of the robbery will happen here at-least once in fortnight and Sollemanagala hometown for Mosquitoes.
Koramangala - Most happening place in Bangalore.

We were getting ready with our Bedspreads, Pillows, Mobiles and Mp4 player.

Poori: Shall we remove all valuable gold Jewelry’s Neck chain, Rings both Fingers & Ears?
Me: Your life is much more precious than these ornaments could ever be. If incase any thief attacks us touchwood! in midnight at-least we can rescue our lives by offering jewelry to s/he.

She was expressionless for a moment and then with a broad smile we started our way to terrace. I wonder if she was amazed by my thought ;) I am sure she would have got shattered.

Once we reached terrace we were slightly scared coz it was pitch dark and our PG is located next to BDA’s vacant property. The only jungle I saw in Bangalore other than IISC. After spreading bedspreads and pillows on floor, we were lying under the sky-stars-moon, natural A/C ;) weather was awesome. Only thing missing was music… We turned-on the Mp4 player Poori put one earphone into my ear and other into hers with song Falak tak chal saath chal fallowed by Jaadu hai nasha hai, Kabhi shaam dhale to mere dil mein aa jaana, Hum tumse na kuch keha paaye… so on so forth….. Moon was much delightful than usual one, tried to capture in camera but it wasn’t lucid and to our shock one star was appearing next to moon which wasn’t visible to bare eyes.

All of a sudden a thought triggered in my mind to have a weapon on a safer side incase anyone assaults us! as we both do not know karate, not even to slap. However I got one weapon which can save two lives for the night that was half broken red brick which was lying in the terrace lazy bugger to come down and carry a knife. I kept the brick next to me to my right.

Poori: Do you think it will workout?
Me: Why not?
Poori: If someone attacks me and incase if you are in deep sleep and get confused whom u r hitting?
Me: Not to worry. In either case we will be safe.
Poori: How so?
Me: As it's just a brick that too half broken none will die. Slightly will get hurt that’s it. In either case you will scream, if I hit the thief s/he will get hurt and we will runaway and incase if I hit you – you will scream beyond your usual tone level and s/he will runaway or someone will come to rescue us. How is it?
Poori: “Dirty stare-smile-get lost” assorted expressions.

Our kumba karni (only for sleep) landed in her dreamland when time just hit 2315 hrs. As usual me gazing at the sky. It was around 2330 hrs water was falling in syntex tank cashier forgot to put off the motor when power went off (she will on and off the motor apart from collecting rent). I thought power has come and even confirmed with Soumya but then lethargy in me said stay back.

All of a sudden I heard the footsteps on iron staircase and I was quite sure someone was coming up. My mind was spinning and I was keeping an eye on my brick. As I turned to my left I saw Niharika – next door girl in PG. Actually she got tensed looking at us. None dared to rest in terrace as anyone can directly reach terrace without interrupting anyone inside the building- staircase is totally isolated from entrance doors and we even don’t have security guard.

She wore pencil heeled sandals and was talking over the phone. Terrace was the private place for most of the girls. Only thing which got my nerves was she was circling us and talking over the phone, her Tuk-Tuk footsteps irritated me. I don’t mind if she can accommodate herself to some corner do whatever she wants. I really didn’t understand her intention…As people get more & more exposed to outer world I think their basic C-senses will blackout.

It was around 0030 hrs and I could not withhold the chilliness and started shivering and I decided to get back to room. To my luck Poori got up for first call very unusual thing to happen. We are back on our way to our room. Stairs are too narrow if u miss one
“seeda neeche then seeda upar…” something like “living life on the edge”. First hitting yourself hard against ground and then direct ticket to life after death.

“The only way to go is up when you are deep down”…. ;)

When we came down we learnt that there was no power for half portion of second floor I mean for three rooms including ours… :( totally-completely baked up all-night in the oven, Poori snoozing in oven too I doubt “Bhagvan ne use kis mitti se banaya hai”. Last instant I remembered b4 I got into sleep was needles in the clock hitting 0430 hrs.

Next day when I woke up in the morning I learnt that my comp was much safe and sound :)