When crap bunches up…!

If I could explain how exhausted I feel and how ridiculously paralyzed, I think I would feel a whole lot better. But that's the problem I can't even articulate what I went thro' and going thro’.

I have spent weeks rushing through life. Work is killing me, simply because there is so much going on that and I am caught in an endless swirl of tasks and projects and things I have to be aware of and remember. The thing with this job is that I don’t love it, I really don’t. But the other thing is that I am the critical resource (means the one who can slog to any extent to complete the tasks) and that's purely just to meet the expectations of senior people in the system who offer an immense support, it's awesome and it's also a level of responsibility that carries a lot of stress because I am someone who takes work and responsibility and my obligations to my employer very seriously, so failure is not an option. I'm not very forgiving of mistakes either (my own). So, I am sure I make regular stress that much worse. There is also the fact that I am still newish and still on a learning phase, which I am constantly trying to overtake.

But then like everything else, require time and attention and focus, and Iam generally short on all three. None of the work I have to do is technically difficult or unrealistic. However a lot of it is still feeling like a newbie college kid, because a lot's changed since I got my bachelor degree a million years ago. This is just not my world and I feel like an outsider.

And finally, there is my personal life that slaughters me about as much as anything else. I can't even properly explain this as nothing is actually "wrong." But then last couple of months have felt important in a not-very-clear way (and yeah, lack of clarity doesn't help). I have sensed some things crystallizing in me, and while it feels really really good to know exactly where I stand on some important things, that somehow carry its own uncertainties. At the same time, I have been realizing how some things are really, truly unclear and I am not able nor would it be right to act on any of it. I have also realized that a lot about my personal life is not anyway in my hands and letting go in this way and when I sense I don't have all the control on my own life it basically hurts me. Of course, I get that when the time comes to act and when everything is as unfolded as it's going to get and I may be up against some big, serious affair.

Crap bunches up like this sometimes and the stress is nearly unbearable, yet heart never fails to offer an honest attempt to cope up with miserable life of mine. Somehow I believe being choiceless is a much better option when you are clueless on what to chose, how to act on?