“My First step towards Jail…alias school”

Is what meant for me......when I was little!!!

Being youngest at home, I was quite a Heroine (It’s factual to say Don) till my cousin was born four years later. My sister, brother, cousins moved to Bellary for their studies along with aunt (Place where I have spent my next 17 years). I was allowed to stay in village as I was too young and even at home they would get bored without kids around. Now when I think about it I feel was “I an entertainment” for them!!!! However I am privileged to say I was born and brought up in a joint family of 14 affiliates.

I just was hitting my fourth birthday; everyone had tough time in controlling me from doing all mischievous things deliberately or involuntarily. Everyone in the family decided its time to screw me by putting me into the Jail so called “School”. For today’s generation it may seem too late, but even today to seek admission in Govt School the min age is 6. However I believe none willing to put their kids in Govt Schools now-a-days. I prefer to call it as Jail, coz everything will go as Teacher hunted “It could be for or against school rules” as it was a Govt school nobody is bothered to know what’s happening in and around the campus... Even private schools got pros and cons that are other side of education system let us not get into it… :)

20 years ago, I even can’t dream of English medium school in my village. Trust me even today there is no registered Private or Govt English medium school.

As I was not eligible to put into regular school, they thought will join me. At least will get used to by the time I become eligible. Almost like today’s kindergarten. May be who knows their agenda could be they can avoid me from doing terrible things at least for few hours of a day… :)

The day has come; I have to hit the Jail gate. Couldn’t take good sleep at night. Mom woke me up early in the morning, took shower, neatly dressed up, applied favorite ponds powder and put black bindi. Black Bindi’s are usually worn by babies and young children to ward off the “evil eye-DRISHTI” (We Indians are firm believers of the evil eye and we often protect ourselves, especially our young children, with a big black bindi or mark on the forehead. This black spot is supposed to diminish the beauty of the child and keep the evil eye at bay is a deep routed Hindu superstition).

I finished my breakfast, drank a glass of milk. On the other part a small black plate bordered with wooden frame which is called as “Slate” along with long “white chalk stick” was eagerly waiting for me. I was feeling bit uneasy to hold them coz for all these days I only had Goli’s (marbles), Bugari and play toys.

Deep in my mind, thought am I going for a battle…? Am I gonna return home? How soon?????? So many questions in that petite brain. Grandpa holding my hand too tightly as though I am gonna escape from him. Grandpa gave two chocolates to me… just to cheer me up :). That is the kind of impression they “had and have”, I will never have a second thought even to jump from building if anyone has promised chocolates to me…. thought sooo sad. Whatever I got chocolates early in the morning…. I waved everyone at home. Mom kissed on my cheek that was much sweeter than chocolates… :)

All the way I was jumping, dancing on the road. Me and grandpa reached jail gate…Teacher welcomed both of us with a broad smile, grandpa returned one and I even did not bother to respond. I saw none whom I knew earlier but for a moment I was happy seeing many kids though they were elder to me (I was much younger). Thought atleast they can let me to play along with them. School bell rang at 0945hrs and grandpa was asked to leave. That was the time I felt gloomy. Tears started rolling down my cheeks. Grandpa kissed on my forehead and said you will have break at 1130hrs. Be here, do not move away and do not come out of school compound as vehicles and cattle’s will be moving around. Just was giving me a clue that interval bell is not lunch or main bell so that I should not run home. And assured will come to pick me up for lunch; don’t worry its only three hours… Three hours I even didn’t know how many mins&secs. I know for sure it does going to be too long. I didn’t cry much, as the teacher was a guy and was yelling at students. I was sure he will not console me. If I cry much, he will definitely hit me to shut my mouth. I wished if I had a lady teacher there... :) I missed mom a lot at that moment.

Everyone asked to fall in line. Then teacher asked everyone to stand straight, said begin National Anthem. Everyone started singing “Jana Gana Mana Adhinayaka Jayahe”, I wondered is this any film song. Whatever I wasn’t aware of single word of it. Just was looking at others and surprised how come they are remembering such a lengthy song, thought kids here are masterpieces.

At the end of “National Anthem”, teacher said about turn and all got it respective class rooms that too each one fallowing the line. I even didn’t know where I have to go, just fallowed kids of my height thinking we all may belong to 1st standard. Coz there won’t be any lower-upper kg’s in Govt schools directly start the 1st standard.

Later once I got inside the class I realized for all students of class 1 to class 7 got only two rooms- two teachers (Even today I wonder how they handled six subjects and around 200 students). All the time Govt schools will be in short of resources and expertise. Everyone sitting on the floor. Small ones with Slate - chalk and elder ones with bag full of books, pencil, pen. I got into some corner place. Teacher started calling names, I was looking at the kids what are they supposed to do now? They were raising their hands and said “Namaste gurugale” means “yes sir”. After a while he called “vidyavathi. Annaji”, I didn’t know it was me. None called me earlier with full name fallowed by surname. Normally I was recognized as Subbi, Putti and as chinna Reddamma by servants at home … When teacher called twice looking at me and said speak out, I said “Yes sir”.

After a while he came to me and wrote a letter “ಅ” on my slate with my chalk stick and told me it is “ಅ” and asked me to repeat with him. He put the chalk stick in my hand and asked me to hold it with my fingers; he held my hand and started writing over “ಅ” which he has written before on my slate. I was following with the chalk stick; in the directions he is moving my hand. He repeated this for three or four times and then asked me to keep doing that and told me to read out every time. I did that for sometime. The “ಅ” he wrote was very thin, but soon it grew fatter and fatter. Even the chalk stick was getting smaller and smaller, initially I wondered and I wished it would get over soon…. :)

After a while interval bell rang. I was happy that I don’t have to scribble the same letter anymore. At least for ten mins, break was only for ten mins. I had two chocolates in my left hand. I thought to peel it and eat but so many around how do I do? Anyways I can’t share 2 chocolates among so many, looked around peeled chocolates and popped two at once… :) Bell rang all elder kids popped into the class; they utilized even those ten mins to play, thought what a time management!

Then scribbling of letter “ಅ” continued till the next bell rang (Another one and an half hour). At last lunch bell rang at 1300hrs for which I was waiting for so long. All kids got out of classroom like flock of sheep’s getting out of sheep shed and falling on one another. I was eagerly looking for grandpa; he was there near jail gate. I jumped into his arms. All the way I was telling what I have done in school that day.

The moment I reached home I started crying “Amma nan schoolge hogalla”- means “Mummy I won’t go to school”. Everyone tried to console me but I was jumping, yelling and crying loud enough. Finally mission succeeded. I was told,“I won’t be going” I thought forever :), they meant for that day…:(

life lessons

• I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them.
• I’ve learned that no matter how much I care some people just don't care back.
• I’ve learned that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
• I’ve learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.
• I’ve learned that it's not what you have in your life, but whom you have in your life that counts.
• I’ve learned that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
• I’ve learned that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
• I’ve learned that either you control your attitude or it controls you.
• I’ve learned that sometimes when I’m angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
• I’ve learned that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you’ve celebrated.
• I’ve learned that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.
• I’ve learned that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
• I’ve learned that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
• I’ve learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn’t stop for your grief.
• I’ve learned that you can keep going long after you can’t.
• Laughing, crying, joy and anger… all are a vital. All make us human.
• Bad things do happen to good people...what makes u feel u r good?????
• Time heals all wounds… regardless of how you feel right now.
• Kindness and hard work will take you further than intelligence.
• Stepping outside of your comfort zone will put things into perspective from an angle you can’t grasp now.
• Personal glory lasts forever.

My silent cry…

Sometimes when we're lost, alone, quite, in pain, betrayed, upset, confused, frustrated, angry and so on.........There are so many emotions which sum up into tears, Sometimes they roll down when we are extremely happy.

I do not know if someone will come to wipe away those tears, but I do know that my tears are talking, they are trying to say something.

Days will pass and turn into years. But I will always remember my silent tears..... When I lie alone, eyes made of stone. I weep in my mind, tears are hard to find. I could have been..? What I had seen….? I won’t cry in front of anyone but can’t hold back my tears when I am alone, the only time everything flashes b4 my eyes. But my one last word was left unheard. Only my “Tears can tell, how hard I felt"

My Silent Cry is just a part of me….

Don't know but I cry sometimes…

Some times I get fed up of this world (hell!!!)
There is no specific reason but it happens...It may be the environment which lets me get irritated. I am not a weak person mentally or physically but there is something which lets me. Ahhhhhhh...can't describe, it lets me cry...!!!!

Don't know but I cry sometimes. May be I miss someone, but I don't miss any one….
May be I hate someone, but I don't hate anyone too…
Nobody lets me cry but I used to.
May be it’s a feeling which I can not describe...why it happens...I don’t know. I become too depressed...

Why life is so unpredictable?????

So much pain behind these eyes but still they don't speak out, don't let know what they feel? I am crying because I've lost hope. Something has made me give up on almost everything, I’ve Lost Who I am, I Don't Know What To be...

My tears can fool the rain
My heart still feels the pain
I've cried an ocean of tears
My heart is still filled with fears

Why life is so unpredictable?????

Sometimes good things happen unpredictably, sometimes bad & sometimes even worst!!!!

The questions which usually comes 2 my mind,
Y does it have to hurt inside?
Y do I have to cry each night?
I think I have to walk on by...!

Near death experience...

Little girl is now three and a half years old. And mom took her to her uncle’s place (nearby village) where she grew up. The house is so big that it takes almost 15 mins to locate anyone in there. Mom busy with her routine family story about in-laws, co-sisters blah blah….all crap. (Even today I feel its crap don’t know whether am I the same little girl). I was busy playing with my good old friends and cousins. We decided to play “Hide and Seek”. Game has begun. All five of us (Shivu, Suvarna, Veena, Aparna and me) were hiding in all different places. Madhu was denner, means she has to search for other five.
All of us got into different secret places, 2 in store house, one in God’s house, one ran to first floor and I hiding in cattle shed.

The moment we got caught, used to scream like hell. Mom and aunt got peeved off, coz they were getting diverted from their James bond story like what next. We got three to four warnings and one or two slaps to end the game. Nobody cried coz we enjoyed a lot. After everyone left I was asked to wash my hands to have food.

Mom was still busy with her never ending story and I got into bathroom. The water container (rectangular cement container for storing water. you will find in every house of rural India) too was big enough for anyone to get drown, almost 5 feet deep. I was helping myself to get some water. I could get only half a mug, and then I lifted my little foot and was able get to another half a mug. When I tried again I fell into it. To my luck on the other part even Mom’s story got over and she was looking for me. She became panicky and everyone started searching in different parts of the house store house, bed room, God’s house, first floor, terrace and every other place possible. Mom stood still in hall thinking about where I must be? For a moment there was pin drop silence and mom could clearly hear the dubu dubu sound from bath room. She came running. I was lying in there. She became numb seeing me drown, couldn’t scream, couldn’t cry, ask someone for help, nobody around her!!!!. Then she made her mind and lifted me up with her trembling hands. I almost drank 2 to 3 liters of water. Everyone in shock, Mom failed to hold back her tears; it just couldn’t stop flowing on her cheeks. The moment my maternal uncles arrived, they pressed hard on my stomach and made all efforts remove water. At last I was able to breathe.

When I opened my eyes, I was in mom’s lap and I saw 10 to 15 around me standing still. I felt the tear of mom on my cheeks and I was in her arms, holding me tightly with a great sense of losing her incredible love.

Little girl in her own world & her wallet...

A small village which lies in the north part of Karnataka was a whole world for one little girl. A three year old girl, so active, so mischievous, so stubborn, all the 13 in the family found it difficult to handle her.

This girl never worried about world, no clue about what next. All time playing with her play toys, set of play kitchen utensils (which consists of all basic things which are mandatory other than groceries coz its irrational cooking), buying ice creams one thing she loved to do coz never paid money to get one. Ice creams were sold for old iron pieces instead of money (she got full support from her uncle, dad’s elder brother who helped her to get waste iron pieces of tractor’s spares, may be even worried if she gives which were much useful). One more thing she was crazy about is wallet. It was her favorite play toy. All the way she got what she wanted whether it may be chocolates, ice creams, play toys or a wallet. One day her eyes were caught by a wallet in her Grandpa’s casket. She demanded for that, but this time she didn’t get. She became so furious and she decided not to eat anything till she finds that wallet in her little hands (probably this is the best trick every kid does).

The head of the family was her granny for any kind of decision. Either it could be what has to be cooked for breakfast or even if they needed to expand the paddy farm. Of course financial matters were taken care by grandpa, dad and uncles. Just to let you know granny was much more stubborn than the little girl :).

Granny became irate and put her in a store house and passed order to all the family members, “No one will get her out, she is no less than devil. Little dare devil”.

The Store house had no light, no ventilation, a pitch dark house which had only rats running around. She was sitting on a small chair, didn’t uttered a word in 2 hrs 15 mins was lost in her deep thoughts how to get the wallet. Mom was hurt for what happened with her little baby and was weeping in her heart (Helpless coz she won’t argue with her mother in law as she was Adarsh bahu).

Finally the moment of truth has come. Grandpa felt guilty and he took her out of store house. Girl was on cloud nine coz wallet in her little hands. Everyone was happy too to see happiness in those little dazzling eyes. Granny too, coz she found her lost gold ring in that wallet.

Little girl and her wallet…… :)