When crap bunches up…!

If I could explain how exhausted I feel and how ridiculously paralyzed, I think I would feel a whole lot better. But that's the problem I can't even articulate what I went thro' and going thro’.

I have spent weeks rushing through life. Work is killing me, simply because there is so much going on that and I am caught in an endless swirl of tasks and projects and things I have to be aware of and remember. The thing with this job is that I don’t love it, I really don’t. But the other thing is that I am the critical resource (means the one who can slog to any extent to complete the tasks) and that's purely just to meet the expectations of senior people in the system who offer an immense support, it's awesome and it's also a level of responsibility that carries a lot of stress because I am someone who takes work and responsibility and my obligations to my employer very seriously, so failure is not an option. I'm not very forgiving of mistakes either (my own). So, I am sure I make regular stress that much worse. There is also the fact that I am still newish and still on a learning phase, which I am constantly trying to overtake.

But then like everything else, require time and attention and focus, and Iam generally short on all three. None of the work I have to do is technically difficult or unrealistic. However a lot of it is still feeling like a newbie college kid, because a lot's changed since I got my bachelor degree a million years ago. This is just not my world and I feel like an outsider.

And finally, there is my personal life that slaughters me about as much as anything else. I can't even properly explain this as nothing is actually "wrong." But then last couple of months have felt important in a not-very-clear way (and yeah, lack of clarity doesn't help). I have sensed some things crystallizing in me, and while it feels really really good to know exactly where I stand on some important things, that somehow carry its own uncertainties. At the same time, I have been realizing how some things are really, truly unclear and I am not able nor would it be right to act on any of it. I have also realized that a lot about my personal life is not anyway in my hands and letting go in this way and when I sense I don't have all the control on my own life it basically hurts me. Of course, I get that when the time comes to act and when everything is as unfolded as it's going to get and I may be up against some big, serious affair.

Crap bunches up like this sometimes and the stress is nearly unbearable, yet heart never fails to offer an honest attempt to cope up with miserable life of mine. Somehow I believe being choiceless is a much better option when you are clueless on what to chose, how to act on?

Neither Past, Nor Future…

I just wonder about myself, the way I am today coz I was the person who was so worried about past (things I can not change) and equally scared of the future (things I can not count on), However today I neither think of past nor the future, my thoughts are just occupied with the present, the very moment and the best I can do. Pretty much unsure, if I am heading in the right direction, nonetheless at any rate I find a little peace in my mind.

Soul purpose of my life…CLUELESS

Answerable and Unanswerable Puzzles… Guess so…!

I come across few questions very often, how often as in almost everyday…!
Both outer world and inner world of mine are badly involved in this questionnaire.

• How is life?
• What are your plans for the future?
• Where do you want to see yourself few years down the line?
  

--Life: Zillion thoughts attack me from every corner mercilessly and the very next min my mind gets into thoughtless Zero state. Oscillating between everything and nothing like a pendulum, guess so.

--Future plans: Plans never worked for me and I hardly know the future – So no point in planning, guess so.

--Aims: Reasons to be alive – I hardly know where I am, so I have no clue where I will be in next few years. All I know is every time I make an honest effort to pick up the scattered pieces of my life and start from scratch all over again and again to put them back in place. Dealing business with Life seems to be quite a tough bet, guess so.

Quite simple questions I believe, however I still am guessing. Am I really bothered or least bothered to break these puzzles – may be coz both heart and mind are involved. Guess So.

I knew I was lost, however I face a brand new in me every now and then. Finding myself or losing myself, guess so……….!

Game is tricky and unbounded…

I wished a complete makeover of my own self after a break, analyzing ever rambling thoughts of mine however upshot is I am so uncertain about things which are pretty much certain.

I have become more and more workaholic for no reason, may be to liberate the throbbing thoughts of past as they were too gridlocked or my work demands terrible commitment or is it an individual decision to prove something & to separate self from the rest of the pack. I also wonder why is it that difficult to Forget the past and Embrace the new.

My thoughts are utterly occupied with Work–Supervisors (Technical & Non-Technical)-Meetings-Colleagues-Customers–Appreciations–Escalations-Blame game-Corporate politics-Performance–Injustice. In-touch with reality I know, No job is worth selling your soul coz Its Nothing Personal, It’s Just a Business and I should know where to draw the line, yet I hurt my heart offering it a considerable pain when things refuse to go my way.

Despite no breathing space, there is an eerie silence in my world these days. I find myself switching my Comp even after working more than 13 -14 hrs a day which also involves almost every week-end and music just to fill the background. I am not trying to recapture that time I have lost and I actually am willing to cherish that chapter in my career and move on with no regrets. I know down deep this is the time to make a move & accept uncertainty as a fact of life. But I am ignoring it and I hang on for a number of understandable reasons, may be coz of repeated efforts to solve the problem has failed, I face the tough choice.

Ultimately I have emerged as a laboratory for breaking the obstacles which are absolute limitless evils yet many a times I suspect on my own confidence coz at times my tears speaks a lot with my pillow answering an unspoken query. My hopes gets scattered and I gather all my nothing-to-lose courage to act on destructive whims.

Life is funny is not it? just when you think you have got it all figured it out, just when you finally begin to plan something, get excited about it and feel like the direction you are heading in is safe and on-track, the paths will change, signs will change, the wind blows other way, north is suddenly south, east is west and you are lost again.

Life deals each one of us with a different set of cards and out of all there is no doubt that each one of us believes that we have received the toughest hand of all.

The bottom line is that you cannot mathematically model human nature, but you can certainly model human behavior based on history, because history will repeat itself again and again and I am lost again.....Yes; Game is definitely not over of-course involved with too many game-changing events - unquestionably its a tough bet!