No matter

No matter how hard I try not to be cynical, I’m always bound to get cynical.

No matter how hard I try to ignore the issues, I’m always bound to find the solution.

No matter whether or not I intend to get involved, I’m always bound to get involved.

No matter whether or not I wish the day to end, I’m always bound to look for a better tomorrow.

Game changing year - 2012

Sometime back I had sent this note to someone so-very-special who stood for me when I was so-very-lost in life.

"I am still caught in that in-between stage of life where I have just arrived from somewhere or nowhere but I am working towards something better. It seems that every now and then I am shoveling up the pieces of my life and starting from scratch all over again and again. No matter what I do, how hard I try I can't seem to reach dizzy heights of happiness or security or peace whatever. I doubt is this how a normal life is supposed to be?"

But what I have realized today is that everything from the day you are in and out of this world is in-between-stage, where none can precisely define the Start / End of something.

I seem to be quite confident of leading life in my own terms and yet I get to listen people say me that starting from step zero all over again now & risking life :), is it a global phenomena to embrace the change, perhaps b'coz I am flipping the game which I have been playing for zillion years now. Trust me, I have never given a serious negative thought for the self invited change, is it b'coz I started believing this could be a smaller part of the game and I have a bigger part to play for with countless uninvited opportunities..! No matter how complex life seems to get, can we name the destiny? Everything around seems so-unpredictable to anticipate, judge and mitigate, it’s good to go with the flow nevertheless I recommend consistent attempts to improvise the quality of one’s thought process.

Ultimately I am glad, life never been so-very-ordinary for me and thanks to all whomsoever I have met on my journey, you made it all excited :)

PS: Cheers to Mr. B, Mr. V, Mr. H, Ms. S & Mr. A - you know what change meant for me here.

Road to nowhere...!

For a moment I am in the midst of unmanageable chaos and very next I am traveling back in uncertain time frame, the phase of my life when I was left alone by someone/anyone perhaps everyone. I know firsthand that I too must have had good times, but why is that I cling on ONLY to gloomy ones, is that a human tendency - will brain cells be more responsive to tragedies? I fail every now and then, when I try to give a new dimension to my life, I end up finding myself amidst of "Nowhere, to be more precise - an undefinable state of mind" and the craziest of all is I pledge to myself to be the best, best in everything & anything I do & outshine the rest, however I only can see myself at the crossroad, politically right word would be "Nowhere junction", "Back to square one" otherwise :)

In the last 5 years...

I learned to operate 3 critical machines - Scanner, Printer and Xerox.
I learned to use 3 high end software- Microsoft word, Excel, Power point.
I learned to say three very imp words for professional life - Yes sir, Ok sir, I’ll just do that sir.
I learned to wake up early….to sleep late… and continue to work, when I really wanted to quit….
I learned to face Monday…to fight for 5 days…to wait for weekend…
I learned to give reasons to family, friends and relatives for not making phone calls, msgs and mails…

In last 5 years… Ppl say you learned… you earned… you enjoyed…
But when I compare me with myself… I just sustained… I just tolerated… I just survived…
Few bucks that I never required... I never demanded...I never dreamed… I survived… I just survived….

Thanks to whoever wrote this, I really appreciate. I just felt mirror reflection of mine...!

Emotions are tougher to handle than I thought !

My mind is running in different directions with too many worries, too many fears, so many thoughts and very little hope , wondering will I ever make it in this screwed up world, will I ever find peace again, will I be able to survive on my own craziness, perhaps that is what's wrong with me - I am slowly going crazy……!

Wipe away

How good it would be if memories can be erased as effortlessly as we can erase the objects. Today I saw the amazing place ever in my life getting demolished. My individual decision to get into the place to create my own life had put forth numerous challenges on my way and my life revolved around computing, finding my dream, losing self. I wonder if my decision was right? Coz my individual decision-making styles conflicts with the reality. Everything we go through is for our learning, yet I still do not have the slightest idea on how to compensate and make better decisions – brat with unclarity, whatever! its a part of game. However all I realized is the place really holds a very SPECIAL place and RESPECT in my heart – that’s Sandeepani, 863-D, 12th Main, 3rd Block, Near BDA Complex, Koramangla, Bangalore - 560034. Sometimes past just catches up with me whether I want it or not.....!

STOP

Most of us think of New Year to reinforce our aims, achievements, dreams, goals, hopes, plans, accomplishments etc etc etc. I never thought of having a resolution for self coz I always was circled by random situations or spontaneous change in circumstances and the bloody life demands to act accordingly.

Though I try to set the expectations for self and I end up somewhere in my head, a place where specific thoughts are stuck, looping over and over.

Few of those thoughts are the notion of going back to the start or of staying rooted right where you are, waiting. Both concepts are about the same to me. It's unavoidable sometimes to wish to go back to the start of something, when it was fresh and new and hopeful coz when it lay wide open before you and anything was possible and "ANYTHING," whatever it was you were so so sure was good. It's a very similar idea to staying in one place, waiting. There is something to that, to holding on to one time and place because that's the one that defines you in some way.

However I have tried to impede myself from thoughts, new ones and or old ones for quite some time now, yet I must say I am so unsuccessful in doing so coz the more I tried to avoid / run away, I sensed being chased even more.And my resolution is to STOP myself from ever rambling thoughts.

STOP --> Stay calm-Think-Observe-Plan….!

Looking forward for a lot of joy, lot more happiness and even more PEACE. I must be sounding too unrealistic and or too greedy, yet I believe I deserve it :) Hoping to succeed at-least this time…!

For all the people out there, wishing you a year full of happy days…!